all this time and nothing to do

Right now I'm plagued with thoughts of driving sharp objects through my skull. Just out of curiosity. I'm sure it would be very painful and that I would regret it. But it makes everything a bit surreal. And my appetite is just gone and exams are over so I don't really know what to do with myself.

I'm really unwell. Maybe I'm sick. It's too hot in here and everything is just nausea and vertigo and tired eyes. Sleeping doesn't help. If I read I'll only feel more withdrawn. But I'm not unhappy. I'm rarely unhappy these days. This morning I made a snowman and usually it feels good to get out, there was so much snow and it was the stickiest snow, perfect for building snowmen and forts but I was all alone and I just couldn't do more than make that one snowman. I wish I hadn't left him alone.

sososorry very busy and creatively dead. also social interaction is just not happening right now. even this kind. miss you all.

I can't do anything. Commenting is painful. I'm sorry. Seems everyone is like this right now.

i'm just this knot of insecurities right now

i'm just this knot of insecurities right now

i'll never get into med school because i'm not smart enough or nice enough or amazing enough and i'm not sane, i'm dangerous, and i think my friend asked me out and i have no idea how i feel about it, and my body is horrible right now, and my writing is bad and my friends are distant and it's probably my fault and i'm lazy because i spend too much time sleeping and i dont read enough anymore so im becoming dull and uninteresting and everything i don't like and i wrote a list of my life goals yesterday and now it's overwhelming me because i won't go to med school or learn Russian or finish my robot or climb a volcano or see Hey Rosetta in St-John's or weigh less than 100 pounds ever again ever

maybe it's better this way because if i ever did succeed somehow than i'll be surprised and overjoyed instead of just being disappointed that i didn't achieve anything else

what will i amount to? i'm just like everyone else, if not more inhibited and lost and conflicted and i mean im trying to do things, to make something great out of this body and this mind but i'm always afraid i'll let everyone down

that's better. maybe tomorrow i'll feel like i'm brilliant and much better than everyone else and i wish i'd just make up my mind and figure out who i am at least a little.

at least i must have done SOMETHING right because here you are and i'm so lucky to have you all

SPACE

I'm having one of those weeks when I'm not sure if I really exist. Less painful than being all too aware of my existence (hypothetical existence?) but I always make the worst decisions when I think everything isn't real. Is anyone even reading this? Are you real? Boy is the Internet NOT a place to go for help with this. And this blog. Always blurring the lines between the outside me and the inside me, who is who and how I act with who and what I want and what I want to want.

I have loads to say for a thing that may or may not be, don't I. I'll stop now. This is making me dizzy. Whether you are figments of my imagination or that of whoever is pulling the strings, much love. And good night.

This is rubbish.

titles are hard right now

So. A real post this time. Maybe? I'm one of these weird moods again, the one when I can't even have a conversation. Can't focus on people.

What is new is that I actually have new friends now. A group. They can handle me being the real me, the one that makes my high school friends upset. I'd like to say it's because "I tell it like it is, sistah, if you can't handle the truth that ain't my problem!" but it's more like I don't know where the line is or what is insulting or when I'm supposed to pretend someone is right or likeable or when it isn't time for honesty. So I figure I just have to be someone else with more fragile people. I guess I'm also just mean as a defense mechanism sometimes. But yeah. New friends. Less of a mask. Good stuff.

I don't want to talk about food because I don't want to cry.

I was really happy earlier because it's very nice here right now but it's gone. But that's normal. I'm normal. Painfully normal. Well, outside of my head, anyways. But that's probably everyone.

Sorry I'm so dull right now. It's my birthday in two days, I'll be turning 19.

So yeah. This wasn't a real post. More like an update. I'll try to accumulate things to say and actually write something compelling soon. I feel like writing, because it feels like I'm talking to you and it's very nice, and I love you all, but it isn't happening. Maybe I'll go have a one-man dance party now. Or maybe I'll go sleep. Either way, talk to you later.

the essence of me, basically

No time to write, too many exams. Halloween picture! I have clearer ones but they are hideous. Happy (belated) Halloween everyone. The candy is hell but dressing up is my favourite thing maybe. Sorry way too much caffeine in my bloodstream right now.

hello!

I'm a weird mix of tired and excited right now. On one hand, cloudy days and not enough sleep. On the other hand, SCIENCE and halloween costumes and maybe Alaska next summer for an internship at a lab? (Okay, more excited than tired.)

Words are not happening right now so PICTURES

Part 1 of the Mad Scientist costume has been acquired. Yes, that's me. Hello!

Reading this in preparation for robot building. You wish you were this cool.

 

BELUGA. It loves you. Notice the very Canadian plaid shirt.

New socks! SO COMFY

So I'm doing okay, I guess. I'm enormous but that's nothing new. I love you all times a million. And I'm not even sorry that this post sounds like it was written by a ten-year old. That's how I roll.

Amaris/Nina/Amanda, I'm really not spiritual enough to believe in good vibes, but I would send you some if I did. Instead, I send you virtual love hoping it'll bring warmth to your fingers as you type. Or something equally cheesy.

Alive and well enough

Just letting you know. Too immersed in my imagination to elaborate. Thank you for the love.

I just cut my face. There's blood. And I can't stop shivering, no, shuddering, and it's because I'm here, it's because I'm still indulging in the madness and immersing myself in other people's madness but it's not like I can leave, the last time I tried to leave someone for my own good he tried to kill himself, and it took so much effort, and it caused so much pain, and I can't bring myself to leave this place or you and I'm sorry and I'm so angry that you're all eating-disordered and I'm not, not really, I'm out of the loop, you should be healthy or I should be sick with you and it's wrong, wrong, wrong that I'm alone. It almost feels like I'm freaking out on purpose, but it can't be for attention since I don't tell anyone anymore, I plaster on the fake smile and layer on the sarcasm now, I learned from the best (you), so it must be because somewhere deep down I do hate myself, even if it doesn't really feel like it, because hating myself seems contradictory, I am my own consciousness and everything is in my consciousness and I can't hate everything because hate can't be bigger than everything, because it's part of everything, it's a thing, you must understand, if you don't, don't bother trying and how do you explain waking up with cuts on your face anyways (aching, itching for more) my madness is the stupidest of madnesses, with no cause or correlation or validity only fear and vertigo and a bunch of other things I'm not sure exist

the master plan, and analyzing this great.. thing that is me

I've just realized how WRONG my master plan is: I'm basically studying to be a doctor, right? (Yes, biology won the great battle of the sciences I love) Sure, I've got the grades, I've got the drive, I've got the desire to work crazy hours...

I also have a blog on which I support women with eating disorders in a most unhealthy way, not to mention my own self-destructive tendencies. TROUVEZ L'ERREUR!

haha they will NEVER let me in to med school. and we all know I cope SO WELL will failure.

---

So I've calmed down a little. Thank you for the kind words on my previous posts. If you girls can stay hopeful (or at least have hope in me, if you haven't in yourself, sad as that may be, since you're lovely), and you've gone through SO MUCH MORE than I have, well I guess I'm being ridiculously oversensitive.

I've tried to isolate what is truly wrong with me, not as a diagnostic or anything, just what is abnormal, and see if it's good or bad or neither. I won't write it all here because it's not interesting to you. Basically, here are the reasons I don't currently qualify to be a grown-up:

- I am physically and mentally behind my peers in development;
- I am too concerned with beauty and have a very twisted perception of it;
- I am scared of sex;
- I am both overconfident and self-deprecating;
- I have trouble with my identity, I always feel like I am acting;
- I indulge in self-destructive behavior;
- I am very egocentric (which makes me paranoid because it seems like everything, good or bad, is about me);
- I am a compulsive liar even for the most trivial things (this has improved greatly over the years);
- I am obsessed with what people think of me even if I don't always agree;
- I have trouble distinguishing fiction from reality;
- I get attached too easily;
- And yet I constantly think people I love are judging me or spying on me (again, egocentrism).

I think maybe a lot of those are very common, most of the problem residing in how little restraint I have and the combination of some of these factors. I am not mentally ill: I have nothing to excuse these flaws. Some of them I can work out on my own; some of them I may have to discuss with a professional; and the others I can learn to live with, probably. Wow. How very mature of me. Or not: there a lot of "I"s in this post. In all of them. EGOCENTRISM, people, probably the worst of the aforementionned shortcomings.

I could follow up with a list of my qualities. I think it would probably be longer. But a lot more trivial. Like "I speak French, messieurs-dames" or "I don't even like chocolate that much" or "I haven't intentionally blown anything up yet". YET.

Hmmm. Feeling much better now. Really, I'd say don't bother reading this, but then I'd have to go ALL THE WAY back to the top of the article. So, if you are here, you either somehow like me very much or you have too much free time on your hands, my friend. Go read something constructive. Go build a robot! (My personal objective for the 2012-2013 academic year. Nowhere is safe!)

Shout-out to Peri, my wonderful guardian angel, goddess of crafts and silly hats and Kiwis and awesomeness: thank you for being there. And your words, both here and on your blog. Anyone who is somehow following my blog but not hers (what, are you crazy?!), go. Now. http://glueandpieces.blogspot.ca/ . Make it happen. I'm counting on you, soldier.

Musings of this child in a teenager's body playing an adult

In my biostats class. Can't focus. I'm exactly like the parents who make excuses for their misbehaving children say: I'm not being sufficiently stimulated, I need to be challenged. Don't remind me how much this is costing me, please.

I think maybe sometimes having two identities is screwing with my mind. I'm the real life me most of the time but Jillian-Amedea will just not be ignored. I think I like her better too. She's true to herself, which is me... Yeah. Not going there.

***

I used to write so elegantly. Well, more elegantly. I guess that was pretentious. Also, just silly. There is nothing elegant or beautiful about the struggle to destroy yourself/ not destroy yourself/ delete everything/ delete delete. It's rough and raw and disgusting and all too real, like a bowl of cold gruel.

***

I guess I had a freak out about my body. I'm scared. I want definite results so I can stop worrying about what to worry about. Worry worry worry. You ladies worry me, to say the least. This is just so wrong on so many levels. Yep, I'll hold your hand or give you a hug but it doesn't change the fact that we're freefalling: it will not slow us or break our fall. It won't change how we splatter. What's comfort, what's love in the face of inevitable failure to survive or live or whatever it is we're so terrible at?

The results are finally in: I have a connective tissue disorder. Most likely early onset arthritis. So with that AND Celiac's disease, I won't be able to eat or move by the time I'm 40. LOVELY.

(I know I'm dramatizing. LET ME HYPERBOLIZE IN PEACE.)

TITLE

I went to a funeral and I just lost it. People truly ARE leaving me. Not that I blame them. I mean they've got their own lives (deaths?) to tend to.

Maybe it's not so bad if they leave me. But they shouldn't just leave. Not before their time. I guess most people do.

The closer I get to starting Uni the more I realize how big the rift is, the one between me and other people my age. I'm scared and lost, out of place and out of time. I live by my own, impratical, ridiculous set of standards. Like a child. They live for things I can't even understand, and I for things that are irrelevant and not entirely real. Even with friends and family, I am pretending. I guess it was foolish to think I'd ever meet someone like me, when I so desperately wish I was like anyone else. I don't usually get my hopes up like that.

It's okay. I'll always have my books. And classes. And a career. And fleeting moments of sincerity with friends or strangers, enough to keep me socializing (at least a little). It's pretty good. I'll even have your virtual presences until you grow bored of me. And odds are I'll meet someone (or sometwo or somethree) someday, that I'll catch up to my generation eventually, not soon, but someday. Right?

(I just read Blindness by Santiago. It was... wow.)

SCHOOL!

Sorry for the moment of panic. I was just angry and disappointed. It's nothing I can't handle.

I'm really excited to start Uni next week. Truly, it doesn't matter if I make any friends because I'm there for the classes, which are really interesting. And if I do meet some great people, all the better! They won't know about my past. I think it'd be nice.

The friend I'm going with though, the one who is a perfectionist and obsessed with her appearance and who wants to be skinny but not sick skinny like we do, is going to be a problem. She's kind and loyal and supportive but bad for me, and I'm bad for her. And we're stranded here alone since everyone else left. Just something else I need to watch out for.

I always thought I would leave this town for Uni: I have excellent grades and I love school, I'm independent and desperate to erase my past. I just can't afford it. It would be ridiculous to borrow so much money to move away when I can stay here and go to a school that's giving me a scholarship. Maybe I'll move when I go to Med school. I'll finally get that fresh start.

I really love you girls. I want to meet you and just hug you until all your problems go away. I feel guilty because, in the end, I know I'll be okay: I'm constantly improving without those teenage hormones in my way and, though I probably won't ever be normal, I'll be a bit of a shut-in and I'll have my books and I'll survive because so many simple things make me happy. I'm just lucky, really, really lucky. I need you because I love you and you've done so much for me and I can't bear to be away for too long. But I'm going to survive. It's strange knowing that know, but I guess it's rather nice. I have plans. It won't be easy. But it's possible. And that's all I need.

I don't have much time but yesterday I panicked and I scratched at my arms again. I hadn't self-harmed in a bit. I'm very disappointed in myself. But at least it let me get some sleep... I didn't bother to place the welts strategically. How long can I pull off wearing long sleeves in this weather?

Pretty much all my friends are gone to Montreal for uni so maybe no one will notice.

Maybe if I stopped eating and got really, really skinny the ones I love would stay and comfort me instead of leaving. It took me so long to find you and trust you, please don't go away.

Or if they did leave, after a while I'd be numb and bony and everything would be fine. Except not really at all.

FINALLY

You know it's GREAT, not being an angsty, angry, over-emotional teenager anymore. But my writing used to be better. And it was okay to be crazy as a teenager because every teenager is at least a little bit crazy. Now I have jobs and car payments and credit cards and school that isn't just for fun anymore: I can't spare the time or the energy to let the crazy out. And it's EATING ME INSIDE. And I'm so GODDAMN BORED it makes me cry. I'm too tired to lash out though. At least now I'm being taken seriously: and the number of pills I need to take everyday grows and grows and grows and I'm supposed to stop being tired (but that's what adults do) and I'm supposed to take them all like clockwork because that's the rational thing to do and I'm not supposed to rebel against authority anymore. So I keep my teddies and I wear bright colours and I hug my parents because being old is BORING and people call me immature while other kids my age faceplant doing kegstands. RIGHT. That's BORING too. So in my mind (inside, never out) I indulge in the insanity, and even though it's more controlled I can do so much more damage now that I'm am RESPONSIBLE and SELF-SUFFICIENT and whatnot. The world is CRAZY: why can't I be crazy too?

I found out I have another sister. A half-sister. My father's estranged daughter. She's thought about me, the sister she never had, all of her life and I didn't even know she existed. She stalks me on Facebook and she's pretty much my age and she wants to meet me so she can explain why I should hate my father like she does. Thanks but I'm DISENCHANTED enough as it is, really. Obviously my mother stepped in to protect us because all of a sudden, she's the caring, loving mother I never had, the one who bakes and asks about my day, the one I needed when I was five, not eighteen. I guess it's still better than nothing. Back when my parents were together and I didn't know all the DIRT about my family, I used to wish I had normal parents because mine were so unusual. Now my family is so distorted and branched out that I'm still stuck where I was before, I can't break free because there are SO MANY PEOPLE to fear and protect and by whom to be hurt.

Well, that felt nice. Onto duller, greyer things.

ONE OF THESE DAYS

I will write a post longer than a few sentences. Watch out.

nanananananananananananananananaSUPERHEROMOVIESMAKEEVERYTHINGBETTER

I was up all night looking at pictures of beautiful people. They show "too thin celebs" on the magazine covers and everybody tells me they're revolting and expects me to agree. I don't. I still think 70 pounds at 5 foot 6 is beautiful... More beautiful. I'm stuck.

Fragments. Here shorter is better.

I have been doing so well. Eating proper, healthy food in normal quantities. Socializing. Staying out of bed. I even went to parties. I laughed and yelled and rolled around in the dirt with boys. Very unlike me. But, apparently, closer to normal than I've ever been.

So, obviously, instead of embracing this semblance of conformity, I am panicking.

People. Too many people. Scary. Not me. Not good. Boring. People are a bore. I don't want to be people.

(Persons, on the other hand? They're okay.)

Young adulthood. Typical. Cliché. Not me. Not good. Boring.

Uni next year. Excited but terrified. Too many people. Scary. Best friend is with me in every class: best friend is terrible for me. Tall, thin, beautiful perfectionist. Together we are unstoppable. With her I sabotage my every effort to be well (not normal, but well). I am mean to her and she lets me be mean. I can't stand people who let me step all over them. I wish someone would stand up to me.

Slip back into childhood and simpler things. Use sarcasm (textbook case of an automatic defense mechanism). Stay away from boys because I do not understand them. Colour. Sleep. Read Harry Potter. All will be well. Use brilliant Harry Potter references. Much love.

Things are going... Kind of well. Kind of. I think. What's up with that?

So many people have left. People who I loved. And the others who used to think I was insignificant think I'm mean and cold. Maybe I'm a really bad person... But mostly I'm only bad for myself

Except i AM a lunatic so WHO KNOWS

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and i'm sorry that's all I can give you for now

thank you for caring, ladies

PS: Peri, don't EVER change because you are UNBELIEVABLE

I changed so much but now it's like everyone else is and i'm not. I am so uncomfortable in this skin. I am so uncomfortable with anything intimate. Which makes me some kind of freak, apparently.

oh don't mind me i'm just FREAKING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE A "NORMAL" BMI

I last weighed in on a non-digital scale, fully clothed. Maybe it's just wrong. But that doesn't help the vertigo.

I NEED A DIGITAL SCALE NOW this can't be happening I TOTALLY DESERVE IT

I need to induce an episode of mania. I need the high I need the empty I need it now. I am so very disconnected from reality. But I'm sluggish. My brain is slow. I need the rush of summer, the hot hot heat of frenzy and insanity. I've spent too many hours staring at ceilings and everything I do is painful. I need out of this comatose

how are things?

Kinda fell out of existence there. Be back soon... Maybe? No, definitely. I'll come back even if it's to say goodbye. I'll try.

communication is just not happening right now. i'm sorry.

now i'm in a I-hate-people phase. which is pretty great actually, I get to hide in corners listening to music FAR too loudly like the perfect little emo kid. good times. thankfully my hatred of humanity does not extend to awesome virtual friends. expect some blogging if i get lonely.

PEOPLE ARE FUCKING HYPOCRITS. And I'm a sad little bundle of angst. That is all.

someone else got murdered at my school. by his best friend. that's two in eight months. out of 4000 students. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD

motivationmotivationmotivation!

This is me at my fittest (two years and eight pounds ago, and far more toned)

Want to guess which one I am? It's a very random picture, so I could be any one of these ladies.

If I was that girl, I can be her again. Be BETTER. Right?

behavorial analysis

In order to find out how I should behave to MINIMIZE my anger, MAXIMIZE my peace of mind and OPTIMIZE my mood, I've made a list of my behaviours and my feelings regarding said behaviours.

Not Eating - Good
Eating Fruits and Veggies - Good
Eating Dairy - Good (for some reason)
Eating Anything Else - Bad
Not Eating - Good
Drinking Water - Neutral

Purging When I Feel Overwhelmed - Good
Purging Any Other Time - Bad

Cutting - Neutral
Purposely Not Sleeping - Bad
Abusing Laxatives - Neutral
Going Numb for Days - Bad
Over-exercising - Neutral

Nesting When Recovering - Good
Nesting a Little - Good
Nesting a Lot - Bad
Spending Too Much Time On Computer - Bad
Reading - Good
Watching Good Movie/TV Show - Neutral
Blogging - Good

Working Five Jobs - Neutral
Being Exhausted - Bad
Working Three Jobs - Good
Doing Chores With Energy - Good
Doing Chores Without Energy - Bad
Schoolwork - Good
Particularly Disliked Schoolwork - Neutral

Seeing Best Friends - Good
Seeing Friend Who Knows About Ongoing ED - Neutral
Seeing Friends - Bad
Parties - Neutral To Bad
Being Hit On at Parties - Good to Bad (!!! This Is New !!!)
Social Activities (ex: Grocery Shopping): Bad

I will draw a conclusion from this shortly. May science show me the way to a better lifestyle...

status report!

Doing a little better at, well, not purging.

I wonder if that's considered a valuable life skill...

JILLIAN-ROSE
- CÉGEP graduate (almost).
- Experienced in scientific research.
- Pretty decent at NOT vomiting. sometimes.

CAN'T STOP PUKING

I swear to God I pulled a muscle in my oesophagus

Ana to mia feels like out of the frying pan into the fire

après de mûres réflexions...

After much pondering, I have concluded that I am a total loser.

I need to lower my standards or I won't survive... But I know I won't. I'll just keep reaching for the stars until my arms snap off.

Can't fall asleep because I'm literally sickened by my heart's beating? Check.

I can't ignore it PLEASE GO AWAY

I just need to convince myself that being spontaneously wreckless does not make me superior, interesting or extraordinary; it just makes me crazy and pathetic.

Trying to put bizarre and inappropriate emotions into words. Eh. "Eh" sums it up pretty nicely.

If by "Eh" I mean my being shot down by a friend after being a bitch to him for years, feeling incredibly hurt and inexplicably turned on, shedding doubt on previous theories regarding my asexuality. This does not bode well for my hypothetical future attempts at relationships.

Eh.

super-J

I've been busy. Busy is good, busy is safe.

Lots of work, lots of being a rebel- I am on strike, you see, like a lot of students here, against university tuition hikes. Imagine: me, a rebel. I'm about the least rebellious person in any given group of young adults.

Lots and LOTS of running around, and just running. Also, I got a tragus piercing. I like it.

I've been eating just under 1000 calories for weeks now. Too terrified to step on a scale: 1000 is too big a number. How could I eat 1000 anything? But I'm forcing it down. I can do it, I can be healthy and lose weight. As if. I feel enormous. Oh, bother.

I'm in this constant state of hyperreality and it's fucking awesome. I feel like a superhero. A lame, fat superhero, but a superhero nonetheless. I can't believe I got myself to sit down and write this. I must really love you! I've barely written in days. I did read ten books last weekend which is a new record, I think. Woot woot.

I won't even let the bad thoughts ruin my good mood. Nothing can stop me now! And it's really QUITE exciting.

still here... just barely... reading my life away

Please listen to Hey Rosetta and tell me if it moves you. It would make my life. They're Canadian but don't be too quick to judge: we have good music too!... It's just no one cares.

I just keep crawling back here today. I'm lonely, I think. Lost. Disenchanted. All that jazz.

Tired too. But I'm only just starting to push the limit. I don't have the buzz yet, the starving high. The ensuing uncontrollable mania (and I mean mania in the most loose, undiagnosed way, i'm not so presomptuous (or so stupid) as to make a false claim to insanity) (or am I?)

i'm counting calories

i'm throwing up

i'm taking laxatives

i'm feeling on edge

i'm back

ATTEMPT at blogging

I've lost the will to write.

Or maybe it's the capacity. There's drive but no content, which can only result in frustration.

Since Peri asked, the books I've read during March Break are:

- Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions by Edwin Abbott (do not be fooled... not a Harlequin or a joke about flat-chested women!)
- Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser
- On the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
- Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas
- Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood
- The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood
- Practical Astronomy by Storm Dunlop (... crazy name)
- A Very Short Introduction to Superconductivity by Stephen Blundell
- Physics of the Impossible by Michio Kaku
- A Series of Unfortunate Events: A Terrible Tale by Lemony Snicket

Obviously they aren't all recommended to the general public in the sense that some of them are very specific and probably dull to most people... BUT:

Flatland was amazing, it's a book about a Square who lives in a two-dimensional world and discovers the three-dimensional world. It's also a satire of Victorian society. It really makes you think about other dimensions that exist mathematically but are beyond our perception... Also it's pretty funny.

You should definitely read Oryx and Crake if you like Dystopian fiction. Margaret Atwood is a renowned Canadian writer (so she's probably virtually unknown everywhere else) but she has a lot of talent and Oryx and Crake is probably my favourite novel of hers, along with its sequel Year of the Flood and another dystopian novel, The Handmaid's Tale.

I heard of Suicide Notes from Amaris Starshine. The first half feels like any other Young Adult novel about psych wards (somehow mental disorders have become glamorous and trendy- what the fuck?) but the second half is very insightful in its exploration of teenage acceptance of (spoiler alert!) homosexuality. I'm pretty sure that last sentence made no sense in the English language. Mais au moins je parle le français!... même si au Québec, c'est une langue un peu hideuse. Et assez anglaise merci.

Finally, Fast Food Nation was an eye-opener: I mean you'd guess these things about the food industry as a worst-case scenario, but you don't REALLY expect it to be true... I'll let you read the book! Not fancying a big, greasy burger anytime soon.

Well, I hope you like books because that's all I have to write about. Maybe in the springtime I'll feel creative again... Nothing I write is beautiful anymore... Maybe it never was. (maybe it doesn't even really matter in the long run)

Still alive. Getting back to being me. Promise I'll post when I'm well and actually have something valid to say. Thinking of just doing homework all night: god it's good to be me again (the real me)

I need a thunderstorm

I'm slipping back into my old habits. I am sick

FINALLY

on break! A full, beautiful week off! SO MANY BOOKS WILL BE READ

Hopefully, posts will also be written. Just let me gather my wits!

I'm so tired. My grades are slipping. SCHOOL IS THE ONLY THING I'M GOOD AT don't let me lose that too.

don't you just love having classes about mental health? it's like they WANT me to feel misunderstood

release by self-obliteration

Behaviour is more destructive. Craving the exertion of excess and the vacuum of not having enough. Not enough music, too much empty space, not enough movement, too much weakness.

I'm delightfully dizzy

growling menacingly

I'm feeling rather monstrous today.

I'll skip class and work at home instead.

You see, I'm a rather high-functionning monster. You might still want to stay away from me though. I bite.

Things to do today:

- Write protocol for physics experiment on thermoelectric modules
- Complete work-out grid for "extreme" winter camping
- Convince myself that I am myself (this will be difficult, not to mention paradoxal)
- Not eat the Christmas chocolate I just noticed on my bookshelf
- Study for biology exam (cellular membrane. fascinating. YAWN)
- Actually get out and buy a 1L reusable bottle for winter camping
- Withdraw 150$ from the bank for tickets for upcoming concerts

I just know I'm going to eat that chocolate. Unless I stay in bed all day and run past it when I have to get up... Maybe that'll work. How it's even been there for so long is no mystery though (it's partly hidden by my sister's Twilight books! least used books in entire bookshelf).

Let's see if I can get through this nightmare of a day. My arms are all cut up and it stings and now I regret it. Which means I'm pretty healthy, I guess.

----
EDIT: 11:30 AM
----

I ended up going to school after all, but only for an hour instead of four. Hid in the physics lab and then took measurements of light outside. Didn't talk to anyone; still not convinced of my existence or of my identity.

Found a 1L bottle in my basement: got cash from my stash instead of going to the bank. My list is coming along well.

extract from my thoughts

Once again, there is no one to whom I can talk. Once again, I turn to you! LOADS on my mind.

First of all, my CEGEP hired me as a researcher- which is awesome- and it involves a lot of work. We're researching renewable energy sources, more specifically solar energy. Basically, we want to harness the power of the sun to make electricity- WITHOUT using photovoltaic pannels. They're costly and create a lot of pollution when you produce them. So between this job, my tutoring, my shifts at the bed and breakfast, school and a ton of homework, I'm running all over the place. I have a lot of responsabilities and it's making me nervous!

I'm also worried about University. I don't know what I want to do. I applied in Biomed but now I have a job in Physics and maybe I want to be a doctor I JUST DON'T KNOW. And at 8000$ a year, I can't afford to be wrong. Thank GOD for scholarships.

I've been feeling angry because my life is trivial and incredibly boring: I read books and they make me want to run away and live wild adventures, but I don't have the guts or the skills and I'm not fictional (unfortunately). When my life is dull, I feel stuck and I hate everyone (especially myself). When my life IS exciting, I feel like I don't deserve it and the guilt ruins every precious moment. I AM A LIVING CONTRADICTION. Or just stupid. Either-or.

Finally, I keep thinking about this boy that I should NOT be thinking about. It's driving me crazy. It's wrong and I don't like it. Why him? UGH.

So there's your insight into my brain. It's not very pretty, or interesting in the least. TRIVIAL. Sorry 'bout that.

i'm still alive

And fat, according to my sister (even if she's shorter than I am and weighs more) but I guess we just don't have the same standards, I'm not allowed to have a "healthy weight"

I was upset

I told a friend and his reaction was "Why did she call you fat? Did you have a fight?" Not "How could she call you fat" or "You're not fat" so I'm fat I guess.

And now, now, I wish I weren't quite so alive.

ramblings

It's ridiculous that I hold on to this lifestyle. It clearly does not suit me. What is keeping me here? An inherent fear of change and failure? Why is it that, though I have nothing to lose, I cannot find the courage to be myself and live the way I love?

I think if, given the choice, I would do my life over. I also think that I'd end up making the same decisions. I don't learn from my mistakes; I don't take my own desires into consideration.

I hate that which that is ridiculous. The ridicule, the vulgar, the foolish, anything that is overly malleable: these things are repulsive to me. Yet I seek them, I make no effort to push them away. It's like I'm fighting the most TRIVIAL war against myself.

I give up. I give up being a normal human. You win. You were right: I'm terrible at this.

I think I'll go sleep for days now. To lose some perspective.

my thoughts, right now

Vertigo. It isn't just a word I chose lightly, to describe a feeling that cannot be described. I literally feel like I'm falling. There's a tingling in my stomach; a rush of energy works its way up to my throat; my legs are drained of their strenghts; there's a buzz in my ears. Imagine falling. FOR HOURS. Even when you're firmly planted on earth. That's right: you fall without the benefit of actually landing at some point in time. Which means your only escapes are pain and unconsciousness. Hence the destructive behaviour.

No, not everything is about the vertigo (I'm pretty sure I'm naturally stupid, selfish and confused to the point of occasional insanity). But I will cut, starve, punch, abuse drugs or make my life miserable if it will distract me from the falling. (Right now I can feel it building up in my heels and in my stomach and it's killing me)

I find it's usually triggered by feelings like powerlessness and guilt. Existential crises can also lead to vertigo: what is my life? What do I mean? Am I real? Is this real? Are my memories real? How do I know my dreams aren't real? Do I exist? Am I the only person who exists? What's a person? Do I matter? Why does everything bother me? Are my dreams and feelings real, and are they even relevant in the great scheme of things? ETC. Emotional fatigue, to a certain point, can contribute to it, though being completely empty and exhausted helps me avoid vertigo altogether.

I'm trying to get a handle on this. It's a huge part of my life and it's very strange and unnerving. I've never told anyone real (and I'll admit I use the word loosely) about the vertigo.

I'm scared. So the question is, please oh please, does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I'm losing control and it's very frightening.

unbearable lightness

Have you read "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"?

The title speaks for itself.

What am I compared to the population of the planet? The history of mankind? The universe?

How can my FEELINGS compare to world hunger, war, supernovas, the big bang?

I consist of barely any matter. I was born generally unnoticed and will die likewise. Nothing I do really counts, if you look at the big picture.

LIFE IS SO RIDICULOUS and I can't stand being ridiculous. which is ridiculous in itself. do you see what I mean?

i'm a terrible friend

I just saw pictures of my friend from Cuba. She's skinny. She's beautiful. I'm jealous. The end.

calmer now

So I ended up hurting myself. But at least I got some sleep.

My life is going nowhere because I'm TERRIFIED of making decisions.

The reasons for yesterday's panic episode? As usual, my father's fiancee, but I also signed up for university. Officially. In biomedical sciences.

I don't want to choose. I want to do EVERYTHING. I wish I could live a million lives at once. I'm so unsure of what I want to do most that I usually end up doing nothing, which is the worst.

I've spent my first two weeks of winter vacation hiding my room, reading, learning Spanish, playing video games and, mostly, sleeping. I only got out to see Sherlock Holmes because I am head over heels in love with brilliant fictional characters. I went to a party and ran away. I went to another party and ran away. I drank too much champagne... Too much for me.

I need to turn this vacation around before I waste ALL of it.

Finally, thank you Peri! I haven't even commented on your blog (or anyone's really) in weeks and I feel terrible. Thanks for being there for me even when I'm not doing the same for you. I'll try to be a better friend to you lovely ladies. Which reminds me...

Let's see how I did in 2011. These are my resolutions from last year. The ones I bolded are those I did not follow.

produce more
create more
learn more
read more
write more
try more
blog more
run more
see more
hit more
care more
stand more
love more
drink more
listen more
hate more
start more
finish more
move more
aim more
plan more
imagine more
express more
do more

sleep less
waste less
complain less
talk less
sit less
lie less
break less
eat less
cry less
rest less
stop less
close less
ignore less

2011 was a very lazy year physically, but I learned a lot of things and put heart into my studies. I really did not move or run enough. I also cried more than I've ever cried before, and told as many lies as I did in 2010.

Just to make myself clear, I don't believe that New Year's resolutions are magical. I know Jan 1st is just another day. But I like the idea of setting goals in a definite time interval. Also, at the beginning of a new year, I think we are all looking towards the future.

And so, though I realize most of you have given up reading by now:

12 RESOLUTIONS OF 2012

1. Learn basic Spanish. Properly.
2. Play more guitar. And sing.
3. Write more. Anywhere, anything, anyhow.
4. Eat less. Weigh less. It's quite simple.
5. Go outside. Play. Even when it's cold.
6. Drink more water. It's easy.
7. Seriously. Stop complaining.
8. Plan things ahead. Be organized. Please.
9. Cry less. Get a bit angry if you have to.
10. Ace university. Excelling makes you happy.
11. Stop lying. It's vile. Shut up and listen to what others have to say.
12. Keep producing, creating, learning. Your favourite things.

I think I can do this. Because these are all things that make me a stronger, better, happier person. What are your New Year's resolutions?

tidal wave

Flashes of heat and cold. I keep shivering. I'm freaking out I don't feel well at all the VERTIGO is taking me the tide is coming in FUCK

I don't want to be WEIGHTLESS, I want to EXIST

I want to MATTER in someone's life

I want to do things that have MEANING

I want to something to make me REAL so the vertigo won't sweep me away

Please please someone HANG ON



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfwPGZxIXz4

The only thing that's keeping me here right now

a hard truth

I seek refuge in my imagination.

My life is a disappointment.

I am a failure.

THE END