Vertigo. It isn't just a word I chose lightly, to describe a feeling that cannot be described. I literally feel like I'm falling. There's a tingling in my stomach; a rush of energy works its way up to my throat; my legs are drained of their strenghts; there's a buzz in my ears. Imagine falling. FOR HOURS. Even when you're firmly planted on earth. That's right: you fall without the benefit of actually landing at some point in time. Which means your only escapes are pain and unconsciousness. Hence the destructive behaviour.
No, not everything is about the vertigo (I'm pretty sure I'm naturally stupid, selfish and confused to the point of occasional insanity). But I will cut, starve, punch, abuse drugs or make my life miserable if it will distract me from the falling. (Right now I can feel it building up in my heels and in my stomach and it's killing me)
I find it's usually triggered by feelings like powerlessness and guilt. Existential crises can also lead to vertigo: what is my life? What do I mean? Am I real? Is this real? Are my memories real? How do I know my dreams aren't real? Do I exist? Am I the only person who exists? What's a person? Do I matter? Why does everything bother me? Are my dreams and feelings real, and are they even relevant in the great scheme of things? ETC. Emotional fatigue, to a certain point, can contribute to it, though being completely empty and exhausted helps me avoid vertigo altogether.
I'm trying to get a handle on this. It's a huge part of my life and it's very strange and unnerving. I've never told anyone real (and I'll admit I use the word loosely) about the vertigo.
I'm scared. So the question is, please oh please, does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I'm losing control and it's very frightening.
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