tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14362113598868449772024-03-19T06:11:32.672-07:00Becoming Picture Perfector the beauty in our despairJillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.comBlogger195125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-44271876997850540772013-04-10T19:59:00.001-07:002013-04-10T19:59:12.959-07:00I confessI slipped up a little. I think maybe if I write it here where someone can see it, I'll stop.Wishful thinking.<br />
<br />
This may be triggering I guess, so if you're in a vulnerable place, stop reading now. And take care! <br />
<br />
The night I wrote that last post that started with some useless, boring rant and finished on an oddly hopeful note, I stripped, cut, and smeared blood all over my body. Like some psycho in a really bad, cliché, kind-of-insulting movie. Ehhhhh. Can't explain it. Just really weird. It got everywhere, there was so much, it took me so long to clean. And I felt really peaceful. I don't even want to punish myself or hurt myself or die... It just feels good. I keep telling myself I can indulge, every once in a while, like it's a freaking shopping spree or something. And I feel terrible because I'm just doing this like whatever, whereas some people struggle with the need to hurt themselves and it's got to be the worst kind of suffering, and what I do seems really insensitive. So, sorry. I don't want to minimize what people with actual problems are going through. I'm a jerk.<br />
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And then I purged a couple of times the following weeks, stopped for a while. I was so proud! But yesterday, I was having a normal food day and I saw a super ordinary girl jogging past my house and out of the blue I'm thinking "weeelp, guess it's time to forcefully empty the contents of my stomach now. yep, seems like the natural thing to do". And I purged, and brushed my teeth and cleaned and ten minutes later I was tutoring like nothing happened. So yeah, I'm disappointed. Let's try again, shall we? Surely I can do a little better than cutting once and purging five times in twenty days. Seriously. I was supposed to turn over a new leaf and everything.<br />
<br />
So, enough superlatives for one post. Yeah, my writing has gotten more casual but that's better than the pretentious attempts at artsy writing I was doing before right? Yes. Yes it is. <br />
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<br />Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-15035583908467578772013-03-20T17:00:00.001-07:002013-03-20T17:00:53.265-07:00this is important to meSo here I am. Again. Back here. I tried real life, I truly did. Real life blows.<br />
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I'm sick. My doctor doesn't know what it is yet. I've done loads of tests but everything comes back negative. Now we're thinking it's Celiac disease in spite of the negative result (apparently false negatives are very common) combined with something else. I lose almost everything I eat. I'm not absorbing nutrients properly. I'm on special diet and I'm losing weight without even trying, too much weight.<br />
<br />
Of course I'm obscenely pleased about that.<br />
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But it's also painful. And embarrassing. It's getting harder to keep it a secret from people around me. It's taking over my life. I'm not dying. It's not a tragedy. It's just disgusting and unpleasant.<br />
<br />
So, back to my fictional identity. Jillian. She's only sick inside her head. (The real me? Probably not.) I always come back to Jillian. She's good for me... Right?<br />
<br />
...<br />
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It doesn't feel right anymore. Being here. It doesn't feel like me. Real life is hard, it's harsh, it's full of things big and small that I cannot control. But I think I'm starting to grow. As a real person. I haven't done that in a while.<br />
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I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just lost. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, even in the places I made up for myseld. But maybe that's a good thing, maybe I'm evolving. It could be time I stopped running away. I mean... I complain A LOT, but life is sort of amazing, even when you're fat and your stomach hurts and you don't understand people. I've been learning a lot about myself and it's good. Sometimes I feel invincible, sometimes I feel insignificant, and both those feelings are incredible. Because we're so BIG and everything else is so BIG too. But enough cheap philosophy.<br />
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I'm going to keep trying at life. I think I can do it. It's odd that it took the stupidest, most trivial problem, a BODILY FUNCTION problem of all things, and lord knows I can't stand those, to make me shake things up a little. This is a very weird post, but I'm feeling very weird. A good weird. I mean, terrible for writing, but good in general. Yep. Very bad for writing.<br />
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I have no idea if I'll post again. I could be back in two days, or in two years. I dunno if I'll want to talk about starving and hurting and crazy thoughts anymore. Maybe I'll try to be the real me. I'm sure you've caught glimpses of her: a bit goofy, overly passionate about the silliest things, loves you all to bits.<br />
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What I definitely WILL do is start commenting again. I have been reading, mind you. I'm a terrible, selfish person for not trying to help but.. I needed to disconnect. I'm very sorry. However, I do love hearing about you girls, because you're all sort of amazing, to say the least, so if you'd like me to follow you, I know I'm nothing special but I'd love to get to know you! Leave me a comment with your web address and you should hear from me soon.<br />
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My name is Maxime. I'm 19 years old, 5 foot 6 and I have all ten fingers and thumbs. I want to be a cancer doctor. I like robots, superheroes, Edgar Allan Poe, asparagus, pillows and learning absolutely anything. Being me isn't always easy, because I struggle with strange, sometimes obsessive thoughts that take up a lot of time and energy: however, it's also amazing because I get to do what I love, and I have a lot of qualities to make up for my shortcomings. I have friends online who are intelligent and beautiful and spectacular. It's pretty awesome.<br />
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(END OF ABSURDLY CHEESY PARAGRAPH AND STRANGE, SPANNING-FROM-NEGATIVE TO-SUPER-OPTIMISTIC POST. MUCH LOVE!)Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-22265616217164918642013-02-08T11:57:00.001-08:002013-02-08T11:57:49.216-08:00ColdI haven't been around. I've been withdrawing from my lives, both fictional and real (not ever knowing which is which). Must be the cold winter winds corralling me into my nest, deeper into my nest, deeper into myself, screeching and howling and moaning away, blanketing my nest in a thick coat of snow, dulling my senses and everything with them. It's cozy in my nest where it's too easy to embrace the loneliness in exchange for warm colours, pages and pencils under my fingers, lulling me to sleep. And when I venture outdoors, windswept and all too awake, I'm alone with the dark shapes of houses and tall pine trees, unyielding to old man Boreas's icy breath and cloak. I'm cold.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-71980483087235757202013-01-20T18:54:00.002-08:002013-01-20T18:54:33.416-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Is listening to Genesis an acceptable alternative to seeing people and accomplishing things? I think so.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-36675219288639983892013-01-19T20:59:00.003-08:002013-01-19T20:59:59.798-08:00ready or not, here I come!So I'm back. Everything still feels too bright and too loud, but here I am.<br />
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It's just so hard to come to term with things I don't understand. It feels like my brain is at war with my body, my heart, itself. And it's become hard not to take the easy way out, to shut everything down and let the numbness back in, or the hunger, or the other usual escape routes. It's like fighting to stay awake when you can barely keep your eyes open, when all you can think about is sweet slumber. But if I lose myself again, I'll be alone when I find my way back. I don't think anyone will give me yet another chance.<br />
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The longer I wait to do these things that someone my age should have done, the more difficult it becomes to catch up. Because everyone is already ahead. That scares me. I know you say it's fine, some people are slower, some people have different priorities, but the thing is more and more options truly are becoming unavailable. I would have wanted those things, probably, eventually. I always planned on getting better. I've gotten so much better already, but is it too late?<br />
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It's this new kind of loneliness, one that comes with adulthood maybe, where I need someone real and close that I can talk to with ease, or not talk to, really, someone who understands, patiently. Sounds kind of unreal, doesn't it? I think I already want enough impossible things, thank you. I don't need this.<br />
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Blogging is kind of silly, isn't it? Just talking about myself, into the void that is the Internet. I wonder how much it really helps. But I don't really want to stop.<br />
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I NEED TO STOP WANTING AND NEEDING THINGS NOW OK? OK. DO NOT QUESTION MY LOGIC PLEASE THANK YOU.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-18442017900734534712013-01-17T20:08:00.001-08:002013-01-17T20:08:16.834-08:00JILLIAN IS NOT AVAILABLE AT THE MOMENT.<br />
Her mind is slippery and far adrift. AND LOUD.<br />
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Please try again soon. Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-33118298377831325542013-01-07T18:40:00.002-08:002013-01-07T18:52:59.960-08:00i've never admitted this before, not reallyIn the light of the last week and an unnerving almost-experience, I've been researching the "asexual" label more thoroughly. As maybe a thing that I am and not a disorder or a problem. I'd already given it a lot of thought. I know I haven't gone much into detail about this. It's very personal and I hope I'm not making anyone uncomfortable.<br />
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I don't feel attracted to people. I think people are attractive, I have crushes on fictional characters, I could even fall in love with someone's personnality and maybe their appearance in the sense that it's theirs. But I don't feel attraction. I don't mind hugs and pecks on the cheek and cuddling with people I love and know very well if I'm the instigator. But last week a friend tried to do more and NOPE. Got home, panic panic panic, scalding water, brushed my teeth three times and I could still smell him on me and I couldn't sleep and I kept crying. I always sort of knew but this is just confirmation, no, proof. It could just be him and a huge coincidence that I haven't met the right person yet but I don't know. It's scary and hard to understand. This is the source of so much anxiety for me.<br />
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He totally got it, by the way. Didn't call me a tease or a freak. We're still friends. But I didn't really explain, just said I couldn't.<br />
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And now I'm panicking because if that's me I'll always be alone. Which,
deep down, is not what I want at all. I just want someone to understand
but who will want to deal with THAT, or not deal with it, really. I'm
scared and there's no one I can talk to; I'm embarrassed to even write
this here. <br />
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I can't explain this. I'm ashamed and frightened and I wish I was "normal". Whatever that is. So I guess I need someone to talk to. I feel in my heart that you will understand. You won't judge. And you have no idea how much that means to me right now. And if you have advice or if you've ever felt like this and you wouldn't mind talking about it... I'd really appreciate it.<br />
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<br />
PANIC PANIC PANIC. I shouldn't have written about this now I'm panicking and I'm going to be sick and I just want to be normal please. I can't have this future given to me and now taken away. I can't have this horrible feeling that I really am broken and all it says everywhere is that I can't fix it and I just want to close my eyes and for everything to go away<br />
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-----<br />
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the vertigo is back. no no no no. Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-41537119921274237552013-01-05T14:25:00.001-08:002013-01-05T14:25:50.464-08:00This was just a week of the semblance of a social life I had carefully, precariously built crumbling. People were hurt and I've gotten further confirmation of how freakish I really am. How alone I will be.<br />
<br />
Yes. This has been the week of everything falling to nothing.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-30488543558733221202013-01-04T09:28:00.000-08:002013-01-04T09:28:03.679-08:00Une petite parentheseExperiencing major computer problems. I have been reading your blogs though. And I survived Christmas, but I've been very sick and I haven't been able to prepare for school on Monday. Got two of my five final grades, two A+, hurray! More on everything soon, much love.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-1039501056383066052012-12-21T18:45:00.001-08:002012-12-21T18:45:40.944-08:00all this time and nothing to doRight now I'm plagued with thoughts of driving sharp objects through my skull. Just out of curiosity. I'm sure it would be very painful and that I would regret it. But it makes everything a bit surreal. And my appetite is just gone and exams are over so I don't really know what to do with myself.<br />
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I'm really unwell. Maybe I'm sick. It's too hot in here and everything is just nausea and vertigo and tired eyes. Sleeping doesn't help. If I read I'll only feel more withdrawn. But I'm not unhappy. I'm rarely unhappy these days. This morning I made a snowman and usually it feels good to get out, there was so much snow and it was the stickiest snow, perfect for building snowmen and forts but I was all alone and I just couldn't do more than make that one snowman. I wish I hadn't left him alone.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-58781221554196167292012-12-09T21:25:00.001-08:002012-12-09T21:25:21.544-08:00sososorry very busy and creatively dead. also social interaction is just not happening right now. even this kind. miss you all.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-87424676217804531952012-11-24T15:43:00.003-08:002012-11-24T15:43:28.085-08:00I can't do anything. Commenting is painful. I'm sorry. Seems everyone is like this right now.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-40592280429702381262012-11-19T19:06:00.002-08:002012-11-19T19:06:30.501-08:00i'm just this knot of insecurities right nowi'm just this knot of insecurities right now<br />
<br />
i'll never get into med school because i'm not smart enough or nice enough or amazing enough and i'm not sane, i'm dangerous, and i think my friend asked me out and i have no idea how i feel about it, and my body is horrible right now, and my writing is bad and my friends are distant and it's probably my fault and i'm lazy because i spend too much time sleeping and i dont read enough anymore so im becoming dull and uninteresting and everything i don't like and i wrote a list of my life goals yesterday and now it's overwhelming me because i won't go to med school or learn Russian or finish my robot or climb a volcano or see Hey Rosetta in St-John's or weigh less than 100 pounds ever again ever<br />
<br />
maybe it's better this way because if i ever did succeed somehow than i'll be surprised and overjoyed instead of just being disappointed that i didn't achieve anything else<br />
<br />
what will i amount to? i'm just like everyone else, if not more inhibited and lost and conflicted and i mean im trying to do things, to make something great out of this body and this mind but i'm always afraid i'll let everyone down<br />
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that's better. maybe tomorrow i'll feel like i'm brilliant and much better than everyone else and i wish i'd just make up my mind and figure out who i am at least a little.<br />
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at least i must have done SOMETHING right because here you are and i'm so lucky to have you allJillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-12594386358680857432012-11-16T18:50:00.001-08:002012-11-16T18:50:37.916-08:00SPACEI'm having one of those weeks when I'm not sure if I really exist. Less painful than being all too aware of my existence (hypothetical existence?) but I always make the worst decisions when I think everything isn't real. Is anyone even reading this? Are you real? Boy is the Internet NOT a place to go for help with this. And this blog. Always blurring the lines between the outside me and the inside me, who is who and how I act with who and what I want and what I want to want.<br />
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I have loads to say for a thing that may or may not be, don't I. I'll stop now. This is making me dizzy. Whether you are figments of my imagination or that of whoever is pulling the strings, much love. And good night.<br />
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This is rubbish.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-91176312169945355682012-11-12T12:55:00.003-08:002012-11-12T12:55:47.872-08:00titles are hard right nowSo. A real post this time. Maybe? I'm one of these weird moods again, the one when I can't even have a conversation. Can't focus on people.<br />
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What is new is that I actually have new friends now. A group. They can handle me being the real me, the one that makes my high school friends upset. I'd like to say it's because "I tell it like it is, sistah, if you can't handle the truth that ain't my problem!" but it's more like I don't know where the line is or what is insulting or when I'm supposed to pretend someone is right or likeable or when it isn't time for honesty. So I figure I just have to be someone else with more fragile people. I guess I'm also just mean as a defense mechanism sometimes. But yeah. New friends. Less of a mask. Good stuff.<br />
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I don't want to talk about food because I don't want to cry.<br />
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I was really happy earlier because it's very nice here right now but it's gone. But that's normal. I'm normal. Painfully normal. Well, outside of my head, anyways. But that's probably everyone.<br />
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Sorry I'm so dull right now. It's my birthday in two days, I'll be turning 19.<br />
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So yeah. This wasn't a real post. More like an update. I'll try to accumulate things to say and actually write something compelling soon. I feel like writing, because it feels like I'm talking to you and it's very nice, and I love you all, but it isn't happening. Maybe I'll go have a one-man dance party now. Or maybe I'll go sleep. Either way, talk to you later.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-55203059850270396192012-11-01T20:48:00.003-07:002012-11-01T20:48:39.192-07:00the essence of me, basicallyNo time to write, too many exams. Halloween picture! I have clearer ones but they are hideous. Happy (belated) Halloween everyone. The candy is hell but dressing up is my favourite thing maybe. Sorry way too much caffeine in my bloodstream right now.<br />
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<br />Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-41885882016619240542012-10-15T13:55:00.000-07:002012-10-15T13:55:10.096-07:00hello!I'm a weird mix of tired and excited right now. On one hand, cloudy days and not enough sleep. On the other hand, SCIENCE and halloween costumes and maybe Alaska next summer for an internship at a lab? (Okay, more excited than tired.)<br />
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Words are not happening right now so PICTURES<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRuh3BKnWc6pJywVvA1CThxZ5vt3jnceS5iC2oztSCTCvoUstFXzsW9RH4xmJtrBmm32EldlkIvICR4aevEzVwNR7mLFQxqaXPpKSUUBOqMTT1CoFsFoknWWm0_mjkfDc0kcolh-Viaa_8/s1600/121015-163229.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRuh3BKnWc6pJywVvA1CThxZ5vt3jnceS5iC2oztSCTCvoUstFXzsW9RH4xmJtrBmm32EldlkIvICR4aevEzVwNR7mLFQxqaXPpKSUUBOqMTT1CoFsFoknWWm0_mjkfDc0kcolh-Viaa_8/s320/121015-163229.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Part 1 of the Mad Scientist costume has been acquired. Yes, that's me. Hello!</div>
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Reading this in preparation for robot building. You wish you were this cool.</div>
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BELUGA. It loves you. Notice the very Canadian plaid shirt.</div>
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New socks! SO COMFY</div>
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So I'm doing okay, I guess. I'm enormous but that's nothing new. I love you all times a million. And I'm not even sorry that this post sounds like it was written by a ten-year old. That's how I roll.<br />
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Amaris/Nina/Amanda, I'm really not spiritual enough to believe in good vibes, but I would send you some if I did. Instead, I send you virtual love hoping it'll bring warmth to your fingers as you type. Or something equally cheesy.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-47419485634113068972012-10-06T10:40:00.002-07:002012-10-06T10:40:39.758-07:00Alive and well enoughJust letting you know. Too immersed in my imagination to elaborate. Thank you for the love.<br />
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<br />Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-30423871935124558522012-09-30T20:43:00.000-07:002012-09-30T20:43:45.717-07:00I just cut my face. There's blood. And I can't stop shivering, no, shuddering, and it's because I'm here, it's because I'm still indulging in the madness and immersing myself in other people's madness but it's not like I can leave, the last time I tried to leave someone for my own good he tried to kill himself, and it took so much effort, and it caused so much pain, and I can't bring myself to leave this place or you and I'm sorry and I'm so angry that you're all eating-disordered and I'm not, not really, I'm out of the loop, you should be healthy or I should be sick with you and it's wrong, wrong, wrong that I'm alone. It almost feels like I'm freaking out on purpose, but it can't be for attention since I don't tell anyone anymore, I plaster on the fake smile and layer on the sarcasm now, I learned from the best (you), so it must be because somewhere deep down I do hate myself, even if it doesn't really feel like it, because hating myself seems contradictory, I am my own consciousness and everything is in my consciousness and I can't hate everything because hate can't be bigger than everything, because it's part of everything, it's a thing, you must understand, if you don't, don't bother trying and how do you explain waking up with cuts on your face anyways (aching, itching for more) my madness is the stupidest of madnesses, with no cause or correlation or validity only fear and vertigo and a bunch of other things I'm not sure existJillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-48777225095395540562012-09-29T13:31:00.001-07:002012-09-29T13:31:34.350-07:00the master plan, and analyzing this great.. thing that is meI've just realized how WRONG my master plan is: I'm basically studying to be a doctor, right? (Yes, biology won the great battle of the sciences I love) Sure, I've got the grades, I've got the drive, I've got the desire to work crazy hours...<br />
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I also have a blog on which I support women with eating disorders in a most unhealthy way, not to mention my own self-destructive tendencies. TROUVEZ L'ERREUR!<br />
<br />
haha they will NEVER let me in to med school. and we all know I cope SO WELL will failure.<br />
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---<br />
<br />
So I've calmed down a little. Thank you for the kind words on my previous posts. If you girls can stay hopeful (or at least have hope in me, if you haven't in yourself, sad as that may be, since you're lovely), and you've gone through SO MUCH MORE than I have, well I guess I'm being ridiculously oversensitive.<br />
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I've tried to isolate what is truly wrong with me, not as a diagnostic or anything, just what is abnormal, and see if it's good or bad or neither. I won't write it all here because it's not interesting to you. Basically, here are the reasons I don't currently qualify to be a grown-up:<br />
<br />
- I am physically and mentally behind my peers in development;<br />
- I am too concerned with beauty and have a very twisted perception of it;<br />
- I am scared of sex;<br />
- I am both overconfident and self-deprecating;<br />
- I have trouble with my identity, I always feel like I am acting;<br />
- I indulge in self-destructive behavior;<br />
- I am very egocentric (which makes me paranoid because it seems like everything, good or bad, is about me);<br />
- I am a compulsive liar even for the most trivial things (this has improved greatly over the years);<br />
- I am obsessed with what people think of me even if I don't always agree;<br />
- I have trouble distinguishing fiction from reality;<br />
- I get attached too easily;<br />
- And yet I constantly think people I love are judging me or spying on me (again, egocentrism).<br />
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I think maybe a lot of those are very common, most of the problem residing in how little restraint I have and the combination of some of these factors. I am not mentally ill: I have nothing to excuse these flaws. Some of them I can work out on my own; some of them I may have to discuss with a professional; and the others I can learn to live with, probably. Wow. How very mature of me. Or not: there a lot of "I"s in this post. In all of them. EGOCENTRISM, people, probably the worst of the aforementionned shortcomings.<br />
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I could follow up with a list of my qualities. I think it would probably be longer. But a lot more trivial. Like "I speak French, messieurs-dames" or "I don't even like chocolate that much" or "I haven't intentionally blown anything up yet". YET.<br />
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Hmmm. Feeling much better now. Really, I'd say don't bother reading this, but then I'd have to go ALL THE WAY back to the top of the article. So, if you are here, you either somehow like me very much or you have too much free time on your hands, my friend. Go read something constructive. Go build a robot! (My personal objective for the 2012-2013 academic year. Nowhere is safe!)<br />
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Shout-out to Peri, my wonderful guardian angel, goddess of crafts and silly hats and Kiwis and awesomeness: thank you for being there. And your words, both here and on your blog. Anyone who is somehow following my blog but not hers (what, are you crazy?!), go. Now. http://glueandpieces.blogspot.ca/ . Make it happen. I'm counting on you, soldier.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-28475982747894368342012-09-26T08:48:00.001-07:002012-09-26T15:10:48.292-07:00Musings of this child in a teenager's body playing an adultIn my biostats class. Can't focus. I'm exactly like the parents who make excuses for their misbehaving children say: I'm not being sufficiently stimulated, I need to be challenged. Don't remind me how much this is costing me, please.<br />
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I think maybe sometimes having two identities is screwing with my mind. I'm the real life me most of the time but Jillian-Amedea will just not be ignored. I think I like her better too. She's true to herself, which is me... Yeah. Not going there.<br />
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*** <br />
<br />
I used to write so elegantly. Well, more elegantly. I guess that was pretentious. Also, just silly. There is nothing elegant or beautiful about the struggle to destroy yourself/ not destroy yourself/ delete everything/ delete delete. It's rough and raw and disgusting and all too real, like a bowl of cold gruel.<br />
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***<br />
<br />
I guess I had a freak out about my body. I'm scared. I want definite results so I can stop worrying about what to worry about. Worry worry worry. You ladies worry me, to say the least. This is just so wrong on so many levels. Yep, I'll hold your hand or give you a hug but it doesn't change the fact that we're freefalling: it will not slow us or break our fall. It won't change how we splatter. What's comfort, what's love in the face of inevitable failure to survive or live or whatever it is we're so terrible at?Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-89146895706816474642012-09-07T09:43:00.001-07:002012-09-07T09:43:26.538-07:00The results are finally in: I have a connective tissue disorder. Most likely early onset arthritis. So with that AND Celiac's disease, I won't be able to eat or move by the time I'm 40. LOVELY.<br />
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(I know I'm dramatizing. LET ME HYPERBOLIZE IN PEACE.)Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-16841457939719462482012-09-02T20:08:00.001-07:002012-09-02T20:08:42.663-07:00TITLEI went to a funeral and I just lost it. People truly ARE leaving me. Not that I blame them. I mean they've got their own lives (deaths?) to tend to.<br />
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Maybe it's not so bad if they leave me. But they shouldn't just leave. Not before their time. I guess most people do.<br />
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The closer I get to starting Uni the more I realize how big the rift is, the one between me and other people my age. I'm scared and lost, out of place and out of time. I live by my own, impratical, ridiculous set of standards. Like a child. They live for things I can't even understand, and I for things that are irrelevant and not entirely real. Even with friends and family, I am pretending. I guess it was foolish to think I'd ever meet someone like me, when I so desperately wish I was like anyone else. I don't usually get my hopes up like that.<br />
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It's okay. I'll always have my books. And classes. And a career. And fleeting moments of sincerity with friends or strangers, enough to keep me socializing (at least a little). It's pretty good. I'll even have your virtual presences until you grow bored of me. And odds are I'll meet someone (or sometwo or somethree) someday, that I'll catch up to my generation eventually, not soon, but someday. Right?<br />
<br />
(I just read Blindness by Santiago. It was... wow.)Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-35087890457062079732012-08-29T17:07:00.000-07:002012-08-29T17:07:03.295-07:00SCHOOL!Sorry for the moment of panic. I was just angry and disappointed. It's nothing I can't handle.<br />
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I'm really excited to start Uni next week. Truly, it doesn't matter if I make any friends because I'm there for the classes, which are really interesting. And if I do meet some great people, all the better! They won't know about my past. I think it'd be nice.<br />
<br />
The friend I'm going with though, the one who is a perfectionist and obsessed with her appearance and who wants to be skinny but not sick skinny like we do, is going to be a problem. She's kind and loyal and supportive but bad for me, and I'm bad for her. And we're stranded here alone since everyone else left. Just something else I need to watch out for.<br />
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I always thought I would leave this town for Uni: I have excellent grades and I love school, I'm independent and desperate to erase my past. I just can't afford it. It would be ridiculous to borrow so much money to move away when I can stay here and go to a school that's giving me a scholarship. Maybe I'll move when I go to Med school. I'll finally get that fresh start.<br />
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I really love you girls. I want to meet you and just hug you until all your problems go away. I feel guilty because, in the end, I know I'll be okay: I'm constantly improving without those teenage hormones in my way and, though I probably won't ever be normal, I'll be a bit of a shut-in and I'll have my books and I'll survive because so many simple things make me happy. I'm just lucky, really, really lucky. I need you because I love you and you've done so much for me and I can't bear to be away for too long. But I'm going to survive. It's strange knowing that know, but I guess it's rather nice. I have plans. It won't be easy. But it's possible. And that's all I need.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1436211359886844977.post-71265424684005746172012-08-28T15:38:00.003-07:002012-08-28T15:38:40.411-07:00I don't have much time but yesterday I panicked and I scratched at my arms again. I hadn't self-harmed in a bit. I'm very disappointed in myself. But at least it let me get some sleep... I didn't bother to place the welts strategically. How long can I pull off wearing long sleeves in this weather?<br />
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Pretty much all my friends are gone to Montreal for uni so maybe no one will notice.Jillian-Amedeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10821674414582382370noreply@blogger.com3