Saturday, November 24, 2012

I can't do anything. Commenting is painful. I'm sorry. Seems everyone is like this right now.

Monday, November 19, 2012

i'm just this knot of insecurities right now

i'm just this knot of insecurities right now

i'll never get into med school because i'm not smart enough or nice enough or amazing enough and i'm not sane, i'm dangerous, and i think my friend asked me out and i have no idea how i feel about it, and my body is horrible right now, and my writing is bad and my friends are distant and it's probably my fault and i'm lazy because i spend too much time sleeping and i dont read enough anymore so im becoming dull and uninteresting and everything i don't like and i wrote a list of my life goals yesterday and now it's overwhelming me because i won't go to med school or learn Russian or finish my robot or climb a volcano or see Hey Rosetta in St-John's or weigh less than 100 pounds ever again ever

maybe it's better this way because if i ever did succeed somehow than i'll be surprised and overjoyed instead of just being disappointed that i didn't achieve anything else

what will i amount to? i'm just like everyone else, if not more inhibited and lost and conflicted and i mean im trying to do things, to make something great out of this body and this mind but i'm always afraid i'll let everyone down

that's better. maybe tomorrow i'll feel like i'm brilliant and much better than everyone else and i wish i'd just make up my mind and figure out who i am at least a little.

at least i must have done SOMETHING right because here you are and i'm so lucky to have you all

Friday, November 16, 2012

SPACE

I'm having one of those weeks when I'm not sure if I really exist. Less painful than being all too aware of my existence (hypothetical existence?) but I always make the worst decisions when I think everything isn't real. Is anyone even reading this? Are you real? Boy is the Internet NOT a place to go for help with this. And this blog. Always blurring the lines between the outside me and the inside me, who is who and how I act with who and what I want and what I want to want.

I have loads to say for a thing that may or may not be, don't I. I'll stop now. This is making me dizzy. Whether you are figments of my imagination or that of whoever is pulling the strings, much love. And good night.

This is rubbish.

Monday, November 12, 2012

titles are hard right now

So. A real post this time. Maybe? I'm one of these weird moods again, the one when I can't even have a conversation. Can't focus on people.

What is new is that I actually have new friends now. A group. They can handle me being the real me, the one that makes my high school friends upset. I'd like to say it's because "I tell it like it is, sistah, if you can't handle the truth that ain't my problem!" but it's more like I don't know where the line is or what is insulting or when I'm supposed to pretend someone is right or likeable or when it isn't time for honesty. So I figure I just have to be someone else with more fragile people. I guess I'm also just mean as a defense mechanism sometimes. But yeah. New friends. Less of a mask. Good stuff.

I don't want to talk about food because I don't want to cry.

I was really happy earlier because it's very nice here right now but it's gone. But that's normal. I'm normal. Painfully normal. Well, outside of my head, anyways. But that's probably everyone.

Sorry I'm so dull right now. It's my birthday in two days, I'll be turning 19.

So yeah. This wasn't a real post. More like an update. I'll try to accumulate things to say and actually write something compelling soon. I feel like writing, because it feels like I'm talking to you and it's very nice, and I love you all, but it isn't happening. Maybe I'll go have a one-man dance party now. Or maybe I'll go sleep. Either way, talk to you later.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

the essence of me, basically

No time to write, too many exams. Halloween picture! I have clearer ones but they are hideous. Happy (belated) Halloween everyone. The candy is hell but dressing up is my favourite thing maybe. Sorry way too much caffeine in my bloodstream right now.