You know it's GREAT, not being an angsty, angry, over-emotional teenager anymore. But my writing used to be better. And it was okay to be crazy as a teenager because every teenager is at least a little bit crazy. Now I have jobs and car payments and credit cards and school that isn't just for fun anymore: I can't spare the time or the energy to let the crazy out. And it's EATING ME INSIDE. And I'm so GODDAMN BORED it makes me cry. I'm too tired to lash out though. At least now I'm being taken seriously: and the number of pills I need to take everyday grows and grows and grows and I'm supposed to stop being tired (but that's what adults do) and I'm supposed to take them all like clockwork because that's the rational thing to do and I'm not supposed to rebel against authority anymore. So I keep my teddies and I wear bright colours and I hug my parents because being old is BORING and people call me immature while other kids my age faceplant doing kegstands. RIGHT. That's BORING too. So in my mind (inside, never out) I indulge in the insanity, and even though it's more controlled I can do so much more damage now that I'm am RESPONSIBLE and SELF-SUFFICIENT and whatnot. The world is CRAZY: why can't I be crazy too?
I found out I have another sister. A half-sister. My father's estranged daughter. She's thought about me, the sister she never had, all of her life and I didn't even know she existed. She stalks me on Facebook and she's pretty much my age and she wants to meet me so she can explain why I should hate my father like she does. Thanks but I'm DISENCHANTED enough as it is, really. Obviously my mother stepped in to protect us because all of a sudden, she's the caring, loving mother I never had, the one who bakes and asks about my day, the one I needed when I was five, not eighteen. I guess it's still better than nothing. Back when my parents were together and I didn't know all the DIRT about my family, I used to wish I had normal parents because mine were so unusual. Now my family is so distorted and branched out that I'm still stuck where I was before, I can't break free because there are SO MANY PEOPLE to fear and protect and by whom to be hurt.
Well, that felt nice. Onto duller, greyer things.
3 comments:
When you don't have to invbest your emotional energy in worrying about rent and car payments etc you have more to devote to writing and being crazy >.< Do NaNoWriMo with me? We can write CRAY-ZAY SHIT!!
I may have to grow old but I shall NEVER grow up! Keep the colours and the teddies and hugging and rebel against assholes. People who never rebel and get old and and dried-up
are BORING and feel BORING and have no spirit or heart left.
Be your kind of crazy, your way. You can be self-sufficient AND be crazy at the same time!
Wait, what? That's one HELL of a bombshell! o.O I'm glad your Mum is making an effort, even though it's 13 years after it was needed. We're all humans, after all. Better a little late than too late or never?
*Hugs*
OMGOMGOMGOMG a cartoon character? Seriously? Which one? 0.0 In my head you look like a cross between Sharon and Tarja ^.^;
The meds buzz has set in, so I'm enjoying it. I'm not sure if the therapy is a go-ahead, I'll be meeting someone from the SDHB on Friday. I'm pretty much only going to tell them they're too fucking late and I've pretty much given up. Who knows, maybe something good will come of it?
Love you so much. If you need some random crazy colour in your day:
http://youtu.be/fKlykXl3QQk
Love you *Hugs*
Hello little starshine,
You're allowed to let a little insanity out, better to spil some on here than explode a few years down the line.
what jobs do you do/ school stuff nowadays? have you seen a picture of your step-sister, does she look like you? that must have been a strange thing to discover.
love u, thanks for your comments little star xx
I'm bored to sometimes, it makes me think that I'd rather be sad than nothing at all. I hope you can find some inspiration.
/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
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