confessions of a monster

Amaris Starshine is dying inside and there is nothing I can do. She needs a savior and I am only a spectator.

We are all sitting in our own corners of the world, hidden behind our computer screens, crying, wishing we could hug one another. We write words that cannot overcome space and loneliness and despair.

I read your blogs every day. I listen to you hate yourself, insult yourself. I let you cut and purge and scream and poison yourself. I am letting you starve to death; I am a murderer. I know it's what you want but you are dying (aren't we all). And I read about your suffering that is infinitely greater than mine, your heart-breaking stories of betrayal and solitude, and all I do is sit. And maybe comment. And maybe cry. I am not doing anything to help you even if I love you.

Because I do. And that's part of my problem. I fall in love all the time. I am always worried, often heart-broken and it breaks me. Each one of you is special to me. You're all so beautiful in so many ways and I'm letting you die. I don't know what I'd do if one of you died. Would I even know?

I will never be able to sleep in peace until you are all well. And you are not. And it is so unfair. I feel like I would give you the moon, but why am I not jumping on a plane to Durham? For the same reason I did not fly to Paris, to LA, to Colorado, to all these places where I've scattered pieces of my heart. Because I am a monster. Am I void of any sympathy and selflessness, or am I intent enough on hurting myself to let you suffer?

All I can say is: I LOVE YOU. It's true. I am putting every ounce of emotion I can into those words. I care for you. You are BEAUTIFUL individuals. It may be my own definition of beautiful, but you are grandiose, wonderful, inspiring things. You are what I live for because beauty is what I strive for. You matter. To me. And in my world, I am everything, so that's a lot.

It's not because I say I LOVE YOU all the time that it isn't meaningful. I really do feel a lot of love. It's part of who I am, it is part of how I appreciate life. The love I feel is strong and overwhelming. It makes me feel invincible (but I know it's exhausting me).

But please, don't die. I don't know what to say or what to do. I am meaningless to you and to this planet, how can I possibly change how you feel about yourself? What is my love, not to me, but to you? It's time like these when I wish I believed in God.

I will never stop crying over you, my heart will always be broken. But I think it's worth it, if only I can make a single person smile even for a second. And when I hear you are happy, my heart soars.

I love Will, Bella, Belle Armed, Kemper, Anise, Io, Nikki, Katerina, Ana's Girl, Gracie, Amaris, Elk, Wren, Yum, all of my followers, and so many more. My heart is beating too hard, I can feel it in my throat and in the pit of my stomach. There is too much acid travelling up and down and I am not hungry anymore. I am heartbroken. And so, so sorry that I'm such a terrible person.

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I am shivering. I think I am going to be sick. I'm so sorry.