It's the F word. Not the one that's unholy, but the one that is vile and soul-sucking.
I cannot say it. I cannot say: "I am ---". The word will not come out. Et pas plus en français.
I am so ashamed of this body, of this weight, of this load, of this addiction to synonyms. Like moving around reality, on its outskirts, is going to change anything.
What happened to the girl who was ashamed of nothing? She has been consumed by guilt and shame. By people. Guilt and shame cannot exist alone.
L'enfer, c'est les autres. So said a very dear and cross-eyed friend of mine whom I hope you will meet someday. He's the one who said that existence preceeds essence. That we can be whatever the hell we want. I sure hope he's right because I will NOT stay this way forever.
2 comments:
Your comment really made me happy, so thank you very much for that :)
I'm new to your blog, so please excuse my lame comment-ness and lack of anything useful to say.
What your friend said - about "existence preceeds essence" is quite intriguing. I'm going to ponder on that for a while.
Thank you for saying hello, by the way :)
We all feel that way, many many times. But your friend is right; we really can be whatever we want. We really can fix the flaws we see if we try hard enough. Hang in there, dearest. And remember, i love you bigger than the sky!
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