i pull gravity

My cousin told me my thighs were tiny and for a second I believed her.

But I am not tiny, I am fat. I am so massive that gravity does not pull me: I pull gravity. I will be launched into space and galaxies will revolve around me.

Survived a week-long flu from hell. I will try to write more soon. If I can get Wi-fi at the other end of the Milky Way.

ladies and gentlemen, the rant of the century

This is Quentin Mytosis Stallone. Yes, he's totally over the top.

..Or not. At any rate, this hectic week has left me exhausted and completely uninspired to do anything even remotely more creative than written complaining, so here you go! You lucky, lucky ladies.

It was like this week would never end. Long story short, following last weekend's panic and neurosis, I became sick and weak. I ate very little. Which made me sicker and weaker (and two pounds lighter: highest point of my week). Which made me sleep more. Which made me spend less time doing homework. Which made me rush the entire time I was awake. You get the picture. I also got my worst exam grade in my college career... in math. I'm supposed to be good at math. And out of the blue, while the pain from my mathematical failure (69%... eek) is still lingering, my french teacher announces that I've been picked for this special college program. Basically, instead of studying French during my fourth session, I will be taught how to teach French. This is cool, especially since I'm a tutor in math and french, but very confusing. Science is supposed to be my thing. Not french, not grammar. Aaargh.

So, here comes the rant: while I was in the shower having an allergic reaction to yet another brand of hypoallergenic shampoo (curse you!), I thought up a little rant against haters. I know it sounds lame, but hear me out: this is something that has always bothered me. For the sake of this argument, I shall use my beloved Canadian compatriote, Justin Bieber, as an example, along with Twilight. I remember the first days of Twilight... Such promise! I don't want to be all "I read Twilight before it was cool"... but I did! I actually enjoyed the first novel. I thought it was an interesting idea, the whole concept of vampires drinking animal blood and falling in love with human beings almost repulsively ordinary. And then BOOM it exploded. It was everywhere. And so were the Twifreaks. And the concept of vampires got real old real fast (read that with a South of the US accent for super bonus points!) But this isn't the bad part: I have nothing against Twifreaks. If you like Twilight, be my freaking guest. I can't decide what you guys like. Same goes for Bieber fans: I don't care for his particular brand of music, but that doesn't mean you can't. The kid's got some talent. Sure, he's way overrated, but get with it people: all celebrities are. You can't say he's a fake and turn around and listen to I dunno Kesha (I am NOT going to spell with a dollar sign. Sue me.) It just makes no sense. What I really despise is the hating (wait.. doesn't that make me a hater hater?) Haters are an abomination. You're fully allowed to really despise things. That's okay. I really hate Kesha's music: her voice makes me cringe. I also hate automatic cash-outs, and that's just fine. Sometimes bus drivers creep me out, and there is nothing wrong with that. But making hating into some kind of hip culture (makes me think of some kind of bone plantation where you can grow hips and skulls and kneecaps) is just lame. If you're a Twilight/JB/Kesha fan and you want to spend 30$ on a T-shirt that says Team Jacob/Bieber fever/I don't wash my hair EVER (maybe Kesha's allergic to shampoo too!), that's cool. But spending 30$ on a T-shirt that says "Team Twilight-Sucks" is not. If you buy that shirt, if you actually take the time to drive to the store (and pollute the atmosphere), look for the shirt, struggle to find your size (there is always plenty of all the other sizes), try it on and deal with the people at the cash, well, you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. Don't you have anything better to do? (says Jillian, writing about people wasting time..) "Look at me, guys, I hate Twilight and I want everyone to know I'M SO COOL" just makes me want to ram my face into a concrete wall. Until I make a dent. (can you dent concrete?)

All of this brings me to anorexia haters. You've all had them come around to your blog and write some stupid comment about how "not eating is not the fastest way to lose weight" and "i'm fat and beautiful!" and "you people are evil". Sure, there are some actually well-intentioned people who just don't know much about anorexia, want to help and just aren't sure how to do it: they'll say things like "you're hurting yourself, this is really dangerous, you should get help" like we don't have a clue, and some of them even get angry at us for hurting ourselves which is understandable. However, if you are just surfing around the web looking for blogs written by sick, unhappy people so you can put them down, insult them and bask in your adipous, hydrogenated glory, you are a LOSER. Get a purpose, get a brain, get a heart, and get the hell out of my life. Thank you.

This may be the longest, most boring post I've written. Ever. So I'll dedicate it to all the haters out there: this is just how much you're worth. Zinger!

that which cannot be said

It's the F word. Not the one that's unholy, but the one that is vile and soul-sucking.

I cannot say it. I cannot say: "I am ---". The word will not come out. Et pas plus en français.

I am so ashamed of this body, of this weight, of this load, of this addiction to synonyms. Like moving around reality, on its outskirts, is going to change anything.

What happened to the girl who was ashamed of nothing? She has been consumed by guilt and shame. By people. Guilt and shame cannot exist alone.

L'enfer, c'est les autres. So said a very dear and cross-eyed friend of mine whom I hope you will meet someday. He's the one who said that existence preceeds essence. That we can be whatever the hell we want. I sure hope he's right because I will NOT stay this way forever.

there are no words

To explain how much I love you girls. Though I'm sure you spoil me (I'm basically getting away with murder here), your support is such a positive factor in my life. Everytime I see a comment needs to be moderated by whole inside world brightens, just like when you say you're happy. You have no idea how much you mean to me. It's kind of scary but mostly it feels good.

Turns out we acted rashly. We're always biting and clawing at each other and though it's distressing at times it's worth it. He's back to stay, unfortunately (I've always argued he'd be better off without me). But I'm basically extatic. I'm so selfish. And evil. Mwaha.

I think that's all for tonight. I'm all written out. Bleh.

More soon. I promise! Though I've been bad at keeping promises lately. Hmmmm.

You girls make me so happy. Maybe I should be better at making non-virtual friends. Hmmmm. Scary thought.

jillian did something wrong again

This morning, the only real person I could talk to decided to leave me. I guess I need you girls more than ever now.

I could stop him from leaving the world, but I can't stop him from leaving me. It isn't fair that I should be a burden to anyone. I just wish I knew why, specifically. I never get closure and that's what keeps me up at night.

I am not hungry. I am too disgusted with myself to even think about food. But I'm not doing this on purpose, in case YOU are checking up on me before you really do leave.

I isolated myself from everyone except him. I guess that was kind of stupid. Now he's gone and I have no one. Oops.

---

I just threw up. This is gross.

I may not come back for a little while, or I may post again within the next hour. Who knows. Anyways, don't wait up.

confessions of a monster

Amaris Starshine is dying inside and there is nothing I can do. She needs a savior and I am only a spectator.

We are all sitting in our own corners of the world, hidden behind our computer screens, crying, wishing we could hug one another. We write words that cannot overcome space and loneliness and despair.

I read your blogs every day. I listen to you hate yourself, insult yourself. I let you cut and purge and scream and poison yourself. I am letting you starve to death; I am a murderer. I know it's what you want but you are dying (aren't we all). And I read about your suffering that is infinitely greater than mine, your heart-breaking stories of betrayal and solitude, and all I do is sit. And maybe comment. And maybe cry. I am not doing anything to help you even if I love you.

Because I do. And that's part of my problem. I fall in love all the time. I am always worried, often heart-broken and it breaks me. Each one of you is special to me. You're all so beautiful in so many ways and I'm letting you die. I don't know what I'd do if one of you died. Would I even know?

I will never be able to sleep in peace until you are all well. And you are not. And it is so unfair. I feel like I would give you the moon, but why am I not jumping on a plane to Durham? For the same reason I did not fly to Paris, to LA, to Colorado, to all these places where I've scattered pieces of my heart. Because I am a monster. Am I void of any sympathy and selflessness, or am I intent enough on hurting myself to let you suffer?

All I can say is: I LOVE YOU. It's true. I am putting every ounce of emotion I can into those words. I care for you. You are BEAUTIFUL individuals. It may be my own definition of beautiful, but you are grandiose, wonderful, inspiring things. You are what I live for because beauty is what I strive for. You matter. To me. And in my world, I am everything, so that's a lot.

It's not because I say I LOVE YOU all the time that it isn't meaningful. I really do feel a lot of love. It's part of who I am, it is part of how I appreciate life. The love I feel is strong and overwhelming. It makes me feel invincible (but I know it's exhausting me).

But please, don't die. I don't know what to say or what to do. I am meaningless to you and to this planet, how can I possibly change how you feel about yourself? What is my love, not to me, but to you? It's time like these when I wish I believed in God.

I will never stop crying over you, my heart will always be broken. But I think it's worth it, if only I can make a single person smile even for a second. And when I hear you are happy, my heart soars.

I love Will, Bella, Belle Armed, Kemper, Anise, Io, Nikki, Katerina, Ana's Girl, Gracie, Amaris, Elk, Wren, Yum, all of my followers, and so many more. My heart is beating too hard, I can feel it in my throat and in the pit of my stomach. There is too much acid travelling up and down and I am not hungry anymore. I am heartbroken. And so, so sorry that I'm such a terrible person.

--

I am shivering. I think I am going to be sick. I'm so sorry.

spacing out

I had a lot of things to say but now all I can think of is lion paws. My brain functions in mysterious ways. I think I may need to put this crazy amount of energy inside me to better use... as in anything BUT thinking about lion paws.

GAAH stop obstructing my thoughts.

finally i'm back!

Good morning ladies! (Or good afternoon, or good evening, or good night, depending on where you are, I suppose) I am in a TERRIFIC mood today! Why? Because I was so very productive yesterday! I attended three classes for a total of five hours, did a math exam, had a lovely conversation about art and fashion, tutored for an hour, babysat for four (made 55$ in total!), memorized the bones of the body, learned about the parts of the brain, prepared for my analysis in French class today, read a 300-page book by Ayn Rand, watched my second Star Wars movie ever (mostly unimpressed..) and walked my white german sheperd. I was awake for 17 hours and used almost every moment I had and it was great!

I have ascertained the fact that there is a strong correlation between my productivity and how happy I am. Well, off to do some more things now! Also, 56 followers? That's 4 new followers! I love you already! Feel free to introduce yourself in a comment and even leave a link to your blog if you want me to follow you! (this goes for everyone here, obviously)

Also, haze, thanks for your support in my time of need. You made me smile when I thought all I could do was cry. Merci!

I hope you have a wonderful day because you deserve it! Oh the joys of living for ONESELF and no one else! I'll write again soon.