ramblings

It's ridiculous that I hold on to this lifestyle. It clearly does not suit me. What is keeping me here? An inherent fear of change and failure? Why is it that, though I have nothing to lose, I cannot find the courage to be myself and live the way I love?

I think if, given the choice, I would do my life over. I also think that I'd end up making the same decisions. I don't learn from my mistakes; I don't take my own desires into consideration.

I hate that which that is ridiculous. The ridicule, the vulgar, the foolish, anything that is overly malleable: these things are repulsive to me. Yet I seek them, I make no effort to push them away. It's like I'm fighting the most TRIVIAL war against myself.

I give up. I give up being a normal human. You win. You were right: I'm terrible at this.

I think I'll go sleep for days now. To lose some perspective.

my thoughts, right now

Vertigo. It isn't just a word I chose lightly, to describe a feeling that cannot be described. I literally feel like I'm falling. There's a tingling in my stomach; a rush of energy works its way up to my throat; my legs are drained of their strenghts; there's a buzz in my ears. Imagine falling. FOR HOURS. Even when you're firmly planted on earth. That's right: you fall without the benefit of actually landing at some point in time. Which means your only escapes are pain and unconsciousness. Hence the destructive behaviour.

No, not everything is about the vertigo (I'm pretty sure I'm naturally stupid, selfish and confused to the point of occasional insanity). But I will cut, starve, punch, abuse drugs or make my life miserable if it will distract me from the falling. (Right now I can feel it building up in my heels and in my stomach and it's killing me)

I find it's usually triggered by feelings like powerlessness and guilt. Existential crises can also lead to vertigo: what is my life? What do I mean? Am I real? Is this real? Are my memories real? How do I know my dreams aren't real? Do I exist? Am I the only person who exists? What's a person? Do I matter? Why does everything bother me? Are my dreams and feelings real, and are they even relevant in the great scheme of things? ETC. Emotional fatigue, to a certain point, can contribute to it, though being completely empty and exhausted helps me avoid vertigo altogether.

I'm trying to get a handle on this. It's a huge part of my life and it's very strange and unnerving. I've never told anyone real (and I'll admit I use the word loosely) about the vertigo.

I'm scared. So the question is, please oh please, does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I'm losing control and it's very frightening.

unbearable lightness

Have you read "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"?

The title speaks for itself.

What am I compared to the population of the planet? The history of mankind? The universe?

How can my FEELINGS compare to world hunger, war, supernovas, the big bang?

I consist of barely any matter. I was born generally unnoticed and will die likewise. Nothing I do really counts, if you look at the big picture.

LIFE IS SO RIDICULOUS and I can't stand being ridiculous. which is ridiculous in itself. do you see what I mean?

i'm a terrible friend

I just saw pictures of my friend from Cuba. She's skinny. She's beautiful. I'm jealous. The end.

calmer now

So I ended up hurting myself. But at least I got some sleep.

My life is going nowhere because I'm TERRIFIED of making decisions.

The reasons for yesterday's panic episode? As usual, my father's fiancee, but I also signed up for university. Officially. In biomedical sciences.

I don't want to choose. I want to do EVERYTHING. I wish I could live a million lives at once. I'm so unsure of what I want to do most that I usually end up doing nothing, which is the worst.

I've spent my first two weeks of winter vacation hiding my room, reading, learning Spanish, playing video games and, mostly, sleeping. I only got out to see Sherlock Holmes because I am head over heels in love with brilliant fictional characters. I went to a party and ran away. I went to another party and ran away. I drank too much champagne... Too much for me.

I need to turn this vacation around before I waste ALL of it.

Finally, thank you Peri! I haven't even commented on your blog (or anyone's really) in weeks and I feel terrible. Thanks for being there for me even when I'm not doing the same for you. I'll try to be a better friend to you lovely ladies. Which reminds me...

Let's see how I did in 2011. These are my resolutions from last year. The ones I bolded are those I did not follow.

produce more
create more
learn more
read more
write more
try more
blog more
run more
see more
hit more
care more
stand more
love more
drink more
listen more
hate more
start more
finish more
move more
aim more
plan more
imagine more
express more
do more

sleep less
waste less
complain less
talk less
sit less
lie less
break less
eat less
cry less
rest less
stop less
close less
ignore less

2011 was a very lazy year physically, but I learned a lot of things and put heart into my studies. I really did not move or run enough. I also cried more than I've ever cried before, and told as many lies as I did in 2010.

Just to make myself clear, I don't believe that New Year's resolutions are magical. I know Jan 1st is just another day. But I like the idea of setting goals in a definite time interval. Also, at the beginning of a new year, I think we are all looking towards the future.

And so, though I realize most of you have given up reading by now:

12 RESOLUTIONS OF 2012

1. Learn basic Spanish. Properly.
2. Play more guitar. And sing.
3. Write more. Anywhere, anything, anyhow.
4. Eat less. Weigh less. It's quite simple.
5. Go outside. Play. Even when it's cold.
6. Drink more water. It's easy.
7. Seriously. Stop complaining.
8. Plan things ahead. Be organized. Please.
9. Cry less. Get a bit angry if you have to.
10. Ace university. Excelling makes you happy.
11. Stop lying. It's vile. Shut up and listen to what others have to say.
12. Keep producing, creating, learning. Your favourite things.

I think I can do this. Because these are all things that make me a stronger, better, happier person. What are your New Year's resolutions?

tidal wave

Flashes of heat and cold. I keep shivering. I'm freaking out I don't feel well at all the VERTIGO is taking me the tide is coming in FUCK

I don't want to be WEIGHTLESS, I want to EXIST

I want to MATTER in someone's life

I want to do things that have MEANING

I want to something to make me REAL so the vertigo won't sweep me away

Please please someone HANG ON



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfwPGZxIXz4

The only thing that's keeping me here right now

a hard truth

I seek refuge in my imagination.

My life is a disappointment.

I am a failure.

THE END