I don't know if I have a fever, or if I'm having some sort of anxiety attack, but tonight I am jittery beyond anything I've ever known. I'm tearing at my hair, at my skin, at my lips; my eyes dart to shiny objects, sharp corners, frightening heights. I need to hurt something. Anything. Does anyone know how to make it stop? I listen to Fiona Apple so I can learn to word my insanity, but it has no words, which is why it's impossible to stop. Am I crazy? The anxiety is crawling in and I have no where to hide, no one to turn to... Oh please oh please make it stop I don't know what to do anymore even the music won't help even the writing won't help maybe if I hit my head against the wall? I can't stand it, the jitterness, the jumping, the inner screaming, the vertigo, oh the overwhelming vertigo, it's everywhere in every bone and every joint to the point where it hurts and my head feels like it's going to explode. It's the pressure point of my body and the only thing holding me together but all I can think of is how great it would feel to drill a hole into my skull and remove of all the darkness, the dark matter, it's pushing at my insides, at the seams of my mind, and it's oh so tattered and I don't know how long it will hold. This is insane. This isn't even about being thin anymore. Or beautiful. Or even normal. It's about surviving, it's about stopping the pain and the FEAR. I'm so scared oh what is happening to me, but even more so of what will happen next, it can only get worst, it always does. It gets worse and worse every year and every day and I don't know how to put an end to it. HA. That is a lie. I know many many ways to put an end to it. But I'm hoping I won't resort to such drastic measures, will I? Am I even hoping? I just don't care anymore, I'll do anything for the pain to stop, for the fear to cease, I don't even know where one ends and the other begins, they're just this huge entity that's devouring my soul and I don't think I will sleep tonight
help me save me make it stop
i'm alone
2 comments:
We are all alone, but that does not mean we suffer alone. We are in our heads alone, but this does not mean we don't all have similar thoughts and feelings. We can join together in this madness, because it is mad. I know this feeling that you describe so eloquently better than I'd care to admit aloud, and I want you to know, however weak it sounds in comparison to the physical reality...
You Are Not Alone.
Hang in there. You'll make it out, I promise.
This is EXACTLY how I felt last night.
It's exactly how I feel every once in a while, like I'm desperate and I want things to change, I want something good to happen to me, for once.
In my case, these "attacks" (I can't find a better name for these things) are triggered by the feeling that the people who I care about don't give a shit about me. When they ignore me on purpose. When I desperately want to hurt them so they know what it feels like to be hurt and out of control and just so fucking lonely. And lost. This then turns into rage and I start to cry and dig my nails into my skin and scream silent screams. I can't make it stop, ever. I'm out of control.
But after a while, it goes away and I eventually fall asleep.
Trust me, it will get better. Take care :)
You are not alone, ever. ♥
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