Fragments. Here shorter is better.

I have been doing so well. Eating proper, healthy food in normal quantities. Socializing. Staying out of bed. I even went to parties. I laughed and yelled and rolled around in the dirt with boys. Very unlike me. But, apparently, closer to normal than I've ever been.

So, obviously, instead of embracing this semblance of conformity, I am panicking.

People. Too many people. Scary. Not me. Not good. Boring. People are a bore. I don't want to be people.

(Persons, on the other hand? They're okay.)

Young adulthood. Typical. Cliché. Not me. Not good. Boring.

Uni next year. Excited but terrified. Too many people. Scary. Best friend is with me in every class: best friend is terrible for me. Tall, thin, beautiful perfectionist. Together we are unstoppable. With her I sabotage my every effort to be well (not normal, but well). I am mean to her and she lets me be mean. I can't stand people who let me step all over them. I wish someone would stand up to me.

Slip back into childhood and simpler things. Use sarcasm (textbook case of an automatic defense mechanism). Stay away from boys because I do not understand them. Colour. Sleep. Read Harry Potter. All will be well. Use brilliant Harry Potter references. Much love.

Things are going... Kind of well. Kind of. I think. What's up with that?

So many people have left. People who I loved. And the others who used to think I was insignificant think I'm mean and cold. Maybe I'm a really bad person... But mostly I'm only bad for myself

Except i AM a lunatic so WHO KNOWS

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and i'm sorry that's all I can give you for now

thank you for caring, ladies

PS: Peri, don't EVER change because you are UNBELIEVABLE

I changed so much but now it's like everyone else is and i'm not. I am so uncomfortable in this skin. I am so uncomfortable with anything intimate. Which makes me some kind of freak, apparently.

oh don't mind me i'm just FREAKING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE A "NORMAL" BMI

I last weighed in on a non-digital scale, fully clothed. Maybe it's just wrong. But that doesn't help the vertigo.

I NEED A DIGITAL SCALE NOW this can't be happening I TOTALLY DESERVE IT

I need to induce an episode of mania. I need the high I need the empty I need it now. I am so very disconnected from reality. But I'm sluggish. My brain is slow. I need the rush of summer, the hot hot heat of frenzy and insanity. I've spent too many hours staring at ceilings and everything I do is painful. I need out of this comatose