Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I confess

I slipped up a little. I think maybe if I write it here where someone can see it, I'll stop.Wishful thinking.

This may be triggering I guess, so if you're in a vulnerable place, stop reading now. And take care!

The night I wrote that last post that started with some useless, boring rant and finished on an oddly hopeful note, I stripped, cut, and smeared blood all over my body. Like some psycho in a really bad, cliché, kind-of-insulting movie. Ehhhhh. Can't explain it. Just really weird. It got everywhere, there was so much, it took me so long to clean. And I felt really peaceful. I don't even want to punish myself or hurt myself or die... It just feels good. I keep telling myself I can indulge, every once in a while, like it's a freaking shopping spree or something. And I feel terrible because I'm just doing this like whatever, whereas some people struggle with the need to hurt themselves and it's got to be the worst kind of suffering, and what I do seems really insensitive. So, sorry. I don't want to minimize what people with actual problems are going through. I'm a jerk.

And then I purged a couple of times the following weeks, stopped for a while. I was so proud! But yesterday, I was having a normal food day and I saw a super ordinary girl jogging past my house and out of the blue I'm thinking "weeelp, guess it's time to forcefully empty the contents of my stomach now. yep, seems like the natural thing to do". And I purged, and brushed my teeth and cleaned and ten minutes later I was tutoring like nothing happened. So yeah, I'm disappointed. Let's try again, shall we? Surely I can do a little better than cutting once and purging five times in twenty days. Seriously. I was supposed to turn over a new leaf and everything.

So, enough superlatives for one post. Yeah, my writing has gotten more casual but that's better than the pretentious attempts at artsy writing I was doing before right? Yes. Yes it is.

1 comment:

Peridot (G+P) said...


Cutting is a coping method that can be addictive. I'd say that if you regard it the way you do then you've become addicted to it.

NOT a good thing.

Also: The experiences of others don't make your experiences less valid.

You've done fantastic. You are amazing and you will only get better in the long run.

I like all your writing, because you write it.

Love you <3