Panic today at school during my martial arts class: "we're calculating fat percentages and BMIs", the teacher said, "and don't you try to escape the scale!" Everyone had to do it. I was so scared. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what my BMI is (16.7) and how much I weigh (105.5 pounds). But I couldn't do it right there in front of EVERYONE. No one is allowed to see how much I weigh on a scale, no one except for me, and I felt everyones' eyes upon me though I'm sure no one cared and my hand started to shake and I curled up in a ball and tears were trickling down my face and I realized just how far deep I am in this nightmare. I couldn't let anyone know just how much blubber and how many lies and and how many vile, vile things are wrapped around my bones. Because when people know it becomes real and I can't face that reality not yet not now.
Please please please just let me disappear. I am a waste of food and paper and oxygen. I want to be so small, so insignificant that I won't even be human anymore, I will be much more. I want to shrink on the outside so I can grow on the inside, be rid of these fears and this pain and the panic, oh the panic is coming back even if spring is the season of violence and explosions and summer is the season of mania and panic and frenzy this ISN'T the right season and they're all melting together now (fall is solitude and insecurity, winter is sloth and depression) and I don't think I can't take ALL of that at once, it's too much, it's too big, it's too heavy just like a body.
Bring on the mania. Bring on the explosions. Bring on the violence. Bring on the insanity. Being angry all the time is the only way I can cope with this. Do you understand? Please understand.
I just want thin I just want beauty. I'll never be ANYTHING if I'm not thin first.
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