it's the colors, isn't it?

Tonight the sky was screaming YES. But now it's dark and quiet.

Sex pisses me off. I mean sure, it's great and all, but what annoys me is that some consider it a basic need. I think that is absolutely ridiculous. I think it is ridiculous that couples can break up over sex. That people are rejected and become depressed and even commit suicide because they're pressured and uncomfortable with their sexuality.

So I have an issue with needs. Sue me. You can tell me what to do, but don't you dare tell me what I need. I still think it's ridiculous. And absurd. A despairing, soul-sucking kind of absurd. Like animal cruelty and child abuse and drunk driving. I can deal with what-the-hell-am-I-doing-on-earth absurd, or wow-life-means-nothing-absurd, or even WTF absurd, but not that absurd. It's like.. ripping wings of butterflies. I've done it before. Without thinking. It was like ripping cardboard with lines of thickey fiber. I didn't even kill it afterwards, I just left it there writhing.

I don't have an issue with sleep. Sleep feels safe, even with the nightmares. It's warm and it makes me happy. If I had to be in one place for the rest of my life, it would probably be my bed. Maybe I'm fundamentally lazy, but it's one of my favourite places.

I had a lot of things to say, beautiful things, but they aren't coming out right. I forgot my notepad today so I couldn't write things down or doodle. Such-a-pity-we're-truly-missing-out. Right.

I feel a little insane right now. I read for too long yesterday. Insomnia, by Stephen King. Reading makes me insane, disconnected from the world, looking at things from a completely different perspective and considering things I would never in my normal state of mind. Like cracking my hand open with a hammer to see what happens. Or climbing the highest tree in my backyard as fast as I can, maybe with my eyes closed. Jumping off, maybe, into the snow, or onto a boulder, it doesn't matter. It's an amazing feeling. But you need to be normal sometimes... right? Mostly I just want to scream, and I feel like I'll see colors and shapes tumbling out. When the emotion builds up. And I want to run far away, but not run away, run to something. At times like these even the things I'm scared of are enticing.

But every day it's the same routine, swept into this machine of a life. At least it isn't so boring in my head.