i still hate sales clerks

The sky is blue and the sun is out and the snow is SPARKLY (I must let my inner blonde out at times, or she causes major brain cramps at the most unconvenient times, like during exams, conversations with intelligent and interesting people or- and this is the worst-case scenario- when I am obliged to interact with strangers, which makes for extremely embarrassing situations (ref: my hatred for automated cash-outs) and makes me crawl into a corner for days at a time). It is still minus twenty hundred degrees outside but, thanks to the brilliant inventor of windows, I can contemplate my shimmery backyard whilst avoid the loss of several toes and fingers.

Yesterday I gathered my courage and went to Fabriville to buy, well, fabric, to make simple cotton skirts which I can't seem to find anywhere in any store. Seriously, fashion has completely disregarded my taste in clothing in the past few years- I can't even find a decent ugly sweater anywhere anymore, they're all dressy and chic and clingy... Not that I have money to spend on clothes, because who would by a sweater when one can buy a BOOK? Or a Daria DVD. I love that cartoon.

At any rate, I'm in a terribly good mood right now, for several reasons: the weather, the schoolwork, the fabric, my cats (see picture with freaky hand above), my schoolwork, my Cyrano de Bergerac, my SCHOOLWORK: I am incomplete without school and books. Without school, my brain starves and starts feeding on itself and REALLY I'm not that intent on auto-canibalism. And without books, how could I fall in (and out of) love with various fictional characters and retain my faith in the human mind? Falling in love with fictional beings is actually quite lovely. Except when they die. I never really get over that. I am still grieving numerous deaths, including that of Eddie Willers in Atlas Shrugged, (SPOILER ALERT) Rumeus Lupin in Harry Potter and Kira in We the Living (a little girl-crush). Especially Eddie. Ugh. I am a sucker for intelligent strong-willed characters, but also the smart but sweet ones. Oh, did I mention they had to be smart?

Well this is going absolutely nowhere so I will take my leave. I need to write a introductory essay on Karl Marx for my philosophy class and determine wether Evie's poem in The Colonel's Lady is a work of fiction or of truth. And prepare for my biology lab. (Honestly college work still feels like high school to me... sigh) I also don't have physics this session... how will I go on? Thank god for Stephen Hawking's brain, it is my hero. Okay, okay enough.

I love you all! Also, more followers? I should ditch my blog more often. (gotta love that casual slang). Have a beautiful day!

show me a woman who sneers at the body of a model

And I'll show you a girl who is ashamed of her own.

I can't take this crap about healthy weight. You aren't allowed to say you're happy about how you look and who you are, because I see the envy and the shame in your eyes. You can't hide your ineptitude, your laziness, your self-loathing behind claims of satisfaction and self-acceptance. You've made a "healthy body image" nothing more than an excuse for the unflattering curves of your misshapen bodies. You can't call your addiction to fast-food, lazy-boys and day-time television not only a norm, but something everyone should strive for, on the sole basis that you can say you're happy about your body without being jeered at and scorned. But there is no wonder in the eys of the onlookers, only pity and discust, and no pride and yours, and I will pick the scorn of society over living your lie anyday.

Or maybe I'm just angry because I gained two pounds. I don't even care how it happened anymore. It just needs to go. Now. I really don't want to go back there... Anywhere.

numbers

I am very particular about numbers, which isn't surprising considering how important math is in my life. It seems a lot of people share this same obsession but all have their own preferences and quirks. I, for instance, like round numbers (french expression- sorry), but I don't like zeros (ex: 250 is much better than 300 or 20o) especially if the first number is a 1 (I abhor 1000, 10000, 100000, etc). I like 25 and 75 very much, and I'm okay with 15 and 85 just because they're pretty. I love the number 4 because it's all even and humble, but I hate 44 because you THINK it's going to be even because of the two identical digits but then it has 11 as a factor and I despise 11. My favourite number in the world world is 1 048 576 because it is a power of 4 and I am obsessed with them... When I am nervous I calculate them in my head (which probably makes me look either dumb or completely out of it- zoning out is an essential part of my everyday life), 4, 16, 64, 256, 1024, 4096, 16 384, 65 536, 266 144, 1 048 576 (my mantra)... It's 4 to the power of 10, which is a number I don't like, but it doesn't bother me because it's like the 4 is dominating the 10, and anyways I don't mind zeros too much as long as they aren't at the end of a number or forming the majority of the digits.

This makes me think of other strange habits I have. I cannot start a song anywhere else than at the beginning: I don't mind interrupting a song, but I can't restart where I let off, I must start over. For this reason changing stations or turning on the radio makes me nervous, and I really dislike people who flip through the stations and hearing little excerpts that are so strange and frightening when they aren't part of the whole! I am TERRIFIED of loud sounds: if for some reason my iPod is on full blast and I put my earphones in and hit play I will probably scream, hit people, and have the shakes for a few minutes/hours/days. People with loud voices scare me. Did I mention my sister is a drummer? Oh the terror...

I hate having chapped lips which is why I'm addicted to lip balm. Forgetting my lip balm makes me moody and jumpy and very unpleasant. I am scared of social interactions with strangers: cashiers make me very nervous and shy and clumsy (but I am more scared of the automated cashes at the grocery stores- everytime without fail the machine will assume I'm stealing something and start bleeping away and everyone is looking at me and it's just scary). I don't like people looking at me when I'm driving. I cannot stand to be in a crowd unless everyone is looking in the same direction and doing roughly the same thing. Also I don't like loud breathing. And I find bodily functions repulsive in the extreme. And wow this post has developped into some kind of boring, pointless rant... Sigh.

Initially I planned to tell you I've found a few creative outlets to let out my frustration which was causing my writer's block. In other words, I'm back. (Pretend this is good thing. yaaaaay Jillian's back. wow I need to get out more...) I've been knitting and making random costumes for my sibblings and writing some random poetry-ish stuff (mostly words thrown together haphazardly) and I feel a little better. Tomorrow I'm going to a museum and it will be great!

Eating has been... Well just the same. I haven't gained or lost a pound. I've been 105 for a while now because of my "normal" eating habits... I may have to kick it up a notch. Or not. Gaah. I don,t even know what I want anymore, except maybe running on emptiness until I collapse. Maybe it's the only reason I don't want to eat right now. Or maybe I'm trying to convince myself I'm healthy again. Or maybe I'm just kind of insane.

my new year's resolutions

I didn't believe in them, and I still don't think I do. But at this point, why the hell not try?

In 2011 I will

produce more
create more
learn more
read more
write more
try more
blog more
run more
see more
hit more
care more
stand more
love more
drink more
listen more
hate more
start more
finish more
move more
aim more
plan more
imagine more
express more
do more

sleep less
waste less
complain less
talk less
sit less
lie less
break less
eat less
cry less
rest less
stop less
close less
ignore less

I am still as tired and sick but this cannot go on. I will be productive and I will exist even if I run my body down to the ground to do it. 2011 will be a meaningful year, a year of achievements, no matter the price. In the end I will be less physically, maybe, but I will be more in the light of my effort.