I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been, well, hard. But the kind of hard that just seems like a constant struggle, that hides behind forced laughs, false apologies and smiles that don't reach the eyes. I am so tired, I am so weary of fighting everything. I can't find the energy to explain what is going on. You understand, right? I don't want to desert you. But there's something wrong, terribly wrong.. I'm stuck, don't you see? I am trapped, a wild animal in a cage, hysterical. You tell me, there are no walls, there are no iron bars. But there are. You are my wall, my bar, my cage. You and all of my friends and my family and my acquaintances. I am trapped in this body, in this personnality, in this life because of your conception of me. Can't you see? I can be anything I want to be. I could wake up tomorrow morning and become someone else. Become me. But I can't. You won't let me. You and everyone else, you want me to stay the same, always. Tell me, what is wrong with inconsistency? Why can't I be two, three, ten people at once? Why can't I be invisible when I want to, or the center of attention? Why can't I cry, and then laugh, and then scream? Why is that wrong? If I want to cry, and laugh, and scream, why would you prevent me from doing so? You can't tell me how to be happy. Maybe that isn't even what I want. You can't tell me what is right and wrong because I am all-powerful in my mind and I live by my own moral rules. Why am I stuck in this iron-cast mold, with my future poured in the dullest concrete? Why do you expect so much of me? To walk into a room, greet the people I know, join in the conversation, smile politely, be interested? Why can't I kick in the door, sing at the top of my lungs, then hide in a corner and think out loud, and say things like they are? Why would acting like that land me in a nuthouse? Maybe you're the nut. And I love you, but it's killing me, being trapped. The real me, not the one you've conceived in your mind, the one that makes you feel safe and loved and important, she doesn't exist, it's all in your head! Only what's in my head matters to me! But that isn't true. Because if it did I wouldn't care about your feelings. And I do. But I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to hold me up or to tell me what to do. There is something building up and it's going to be big. If I am stuck for too long, I am going to break out of this place and I won't care who gets hurt. That is what I'm becoming. Insensitive. Unforgiving. Selfish. Hateful. Furious.
Because fury is the only thing that will keep me alive. Strong. Willing to live and exist and be. You've noticed, you've seen the change in my eyes or in my words. Soon it'll be the only thing that drives me. An animal that is trapped and scared will lash out at anyone. Madness. My compassion is dying. I don't want to hurt you. Won't you stop pulling me in?
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