Is listening to Genesis an acceptable alternative to seeing people and accomplishing things? I think so.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
ready or not, here I come!
So I'm back. Everything still feels too bright and too loud, but here I am.
It's just so hard to come to term with things I don't understand. It feels like my brain is at war with my body, my heart, itself. And it's become hard not to take the easy way out, to shut everything down and let the numbness back in, or the hunger, or the other usual escape routes. It's like fighting to stay awake when you can barely keep your eyes open, when all you can think about is sweet slumber. But if I lose myself again, I'll be alone when I find my way back. I don't think anyone will give me yet another chance.
The longer I wait to do these things that someone my age should have done, the more difficult it becomes to catch up. Because everyone is already ahead. That scares me. I know you say it's fine, some people are slower, some people have different priorities, but the thing is more and more options truly are becoming unavailable. I would have wanted those things, probably, eventually. I always planned on getting better. I've gotten so much better already, but is it too late?
It's this new kind of loneliness, one that comes with adulthood maybe, where I need someone real and close that I can talk to with ease, or not talk to, really, someone who understands, patiently. Sounds kind of unreal, doesn't it? I think I already want enough impossible things, thank you. I don't need this.
Blogging is kind of silly, isn't it? Just talking about myself, into the void that is the Internet. I wonder how much it really helps. But I don't really want to stop.
I NEED TO STOP WANTING AND NEEDING THINGS NOW OK? OK. DO NOT QUESTION MY LOGIC PLEASE THANK YOU.
It's just so hard to come to term with things I don't understand. It feels like my brain is at war with my body, my heart, itself. And it's become hard not to take the easy way out, to shut everything down and let the numbness back in, or the hunger, or the other usual escape routes. It's like fighting to stay awake when you can barely keep your eyes open, when all you can think about is sweet slumber. But if I lose myself again, I'll be alone when I find my way back. I don't think anyone will give me yet another chance.
The longer I wait to do these things that someone my age should have done, the more difficult it becomes to catch up. Because everyone is already ahead. That scares me. I know you say it's fine, some people are slower, some people have different priorities, but the thing is more and more options truly are becoming unavailable. I would have wanted those things, probably, eventually. I always planned on getting better. I've gotten so much better already, but is it too late?
It's this new kind of loneliness, one that comes with adulthood maybe, where I need someone real and close that I can talk to with ease, or not talk to, really, someone who understands, patiently. Sounds kind of unreal, doesn't it? I think I already want enough impossible things, thank you. I don't need this.
Blogging is kind of silly, isn't it? Just talking about myself, into the void that is the Internet. I wonder how much it really helps. But I don't really want to stop.
I NEED TO STOP WANTING AND NEEDING THINGS NOW OK? OK. DO NOT QUESTION MY LOGIC PLEASE THANK YOU.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
i've never admitted this before, not really
In the light of the last week and an unnerving almost-experience, I've been researching the "asexual" label more thoroughly. As maybe a thing that I am and not a disorder or a problem. I'd already given it a lot of thought. I know I haven't gone much into detail about this. It's very personal and I hope I'm not making anyone uncomfortable.
I don't feel attracted to people. I think people are attractive, I have crushes on fictional characters, I could even fall in love with someone's personnality and maybe their appearance in the sense that it's theirs. But I don't feel attraction. I don't mind hugs and pecks on the cheek and cuddling with people I love and know very well if I'm the instigator. But last week a friend tried to do more and NOPE. Got home, panic panic panic, scalding water, brushed my teeth three times and I could still smell him on me and I couldn't sleep and I kept crying. I always sort of knew but this is just confirmation, no, proof. It could just be him and a huge coincidence that I haven't met the right person yet but I don't know. It's scary and hard to understand. This is the source of so much anxiety for me.
He totally got it, by the way. Didn't call me a tease or a freak. We're still friends. But I didn't really explain, just said I couldn't.
And now I'm panicking because if that's me I'll always be alone. Which, deep down, is not what I want at all. I just want someone to understand but who will want to deal with THAT, or not deal with it, really. I'm scared and there's no one I can talk to; I'm embarrassed to even write this here.
I can't explain this. I'm ashamed and frightened and I wish I was "normal". Whatever that is. So I guess I need someone to talk to. I feel in my heart that you will understand. You won't judge. And you have no idea how much that means to me right now. And if you have advice or if you've ever felt like this and you wouldn't mind talking about it... I'd really appreciate it.
-----
PANIC PANIC PANIC. I shouldn't have written about this now I'm panicking and I'm going to be sick and I just want to be normal please. I can't have this future given to me and now taken away. I can't have this horrible feeling that I really am broken and all it says everywhere is that I can't fix it and I just want to close my eyes and for everything to go away
-----
the vertigo is back. no no no no.
I don't feel attracted to people. I think people are attractive, I have crushes on fictional characters, I could even fall in love with someone's personnality and maybe their appearance in the sense that it's theirs. But I don't feel attraction. I don't mind hugs and pecks on the cheek and cuddling with people I love and know very well if I'm the instigator. But last week a friend tried to do more and NOPE. Got home, panic panic panic, scalding water, brushed my teeth three times and I could still smell him on me and I couldn't sleep and I kept crying. I always sort of knew but this is just confirmation, no, proof. It could just be him and a huge coincidence that I haven't met the right person yet but I don't know. It's scary and hard to understand. This is the source of so much anxiety for me.
He totally got it, by the way. Didn't call me a tease or a freak. We're still friends. But I didn't really explain, just said I couldn't.
And now I'm panicking because if that's me I'll always be alone. Which, deep down, is not what I want at all. I just want someone to understand but who will want to deal with THAT, or not deal with it, really. I'm scared and there's no one I can talk to; I'm embarrassed to even write this here.
I can't explain this. I'm ashamed and frightened and I wish I was "normal". Whatever that is. So I guess I need someone to talk to. I feel in my heart that you will understand. You won't judge. And you have no idea how much that means to me right now. And if you have advice or if you've ever felt like this and you wouldn't mind talking about it... I'd really appreciate it.
-----
PANIC PANIC PANIC. I shouldn't have written about this now I'm panicking and I'm going to be sick and I just want to be normal please. I can't have this future given to me and now taken away. I can't have this horrible feeling that I really am broken and all it says everywhere is that I can't fix it and I just want to close my eyes and for everything to go away
-----
the vertigo is back. no no no no.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
Une petite parenthese
Experiencing major computer problems. I have been reading your blogs though. And I survived Christmas, but I've been very sick and I haven't been able to prepare for school on Monday. Got two of my five final grades, two A+, hurray! More on everything soon, much love.
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