In the light of the last week and an unnerving almost-experience, I've been researching the "asexual" label more thoroughly. As maybe a thing that I am and not a disorder or a problem. I'd already given it a lot of thought. I know I haven't gone much into detail about this. It's very personal and I hope I'm not making anyone uncomfortable.
I don't feel attracted to people. I think people are attractive, I have crushes on fictional characters, I could even fall in love with someone's personnality and maybe their appearance in the sense that it's theirs. But I don't feel attraction. I don't mind hugs and pecks on the cheek and cuddling with people I love and know very well if I'm the instigator. But last week a friend tried to do more and NOPE. Got home, panic panic panic, scalding water, brushed my teeth three times and I could still smell him on me and I couldn't sleep and I kept crying. I always sort of knew but this is just confirmation, no, proof. It could just be him and a huge coincidence that I haven't met the right person yet but I don't know. It's scary and hard to understand. This is the source of so much anxiety for me.
He totally got it, by the way. Didn't call me a tease or a freak. We're still friends. But I didn't really explain, just said I couldn't.
And now I'm panicking because if that's me I'll always be alone. Which,
deep down, is not what I want at all. I just want someone to understand
but who will want to deal with THAT, or not deal with it, really. I'm
scared and there's no one I can talk to; I'm embarrassed to even write
this here.
I can't explain this. I'm ashamed and frightened and I wish I was "normal". Whatever that is. So I guess I need someone to talk to. I feel in my heart that you will understand. You won't judge. And you have no idea how much that means to me right now. And if you have advice or if you've ever felt like this and you wouldn't mind talking about it... I'd really appreciate it.
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PANIC PANIC PANIC. I shouldn't have written about this now I'm panicking and I'm going to be sick and I just want to be normal please. I can't have this future given to me and now taken away. I can't have this horrible feeling that I really am broken and all it says everywhere is that I can't fix it and I just want to close my eyes and for everything to go away
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the vertigo is back. no no no no.
3 comments:
Maybe you are dear, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. If you've had a tramatic past that could account for it but if not, then really it might be how you are. I know a girl that's asexual and it's not a big deal. I think the key is to not worry one way or the other. If you're supposed to meet someone you will. If not, you still are loved by friends and family, so no matter what you'll be loved. Don't over think it and you're right, we won't judge you. <3
*Hugs* That's cool. I love you because you're you and not who you want to boink and how you wish to go about it, or not wish to go about it.
You should NOT hate yourself for your sexuality or gender identity OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. You are who you are, and if you are honest about it you'll find an awesome person who loves you for the totality of who you are and is comfortable with that.
I reckon there are several theories, it is not solely a question of sexuality.
You should definitely go hunting for more information online and with the growth of the LGBT movement I don't doubt that there will be forums available for people who are asexual to discuss their situations and you could find helpful information there.
It could be that you're simply not that attracted to the guy or you indeed haven't found the right person yet. I'm so glad he didn't try to pull any of that 'tease' guilt trip bullshit on you.
It could also be due to depression killing your desire or a period of bad body image doing the same. EDs certainly are an effective mental neutering/spaying agent!
I've just gone through a 1.5 year period of wanting to vomit whenever ANYONE touches me, and I'm a Bi girl who loves sex! I just hit a really massively bad time of bad self-hate and depression and haven't wanted anything to do with touch or sex at all. Still don't really. It's getting a little better bit it's still hard even to hug right now. People tapping me on the shoulder at work still make me want to punch out. Miles has been so awesome about it, mainly because I've told him straight up what has been going on.
I hope I helped a bit. I don't want you to feel bad! Please please please don't hate yourself.
OMG a week-wide internet hug? HOLY SHIT THAT"S HUGE! A lightweek? 1/52nd of a lightyear? YOU'RE AMAZING! Sending you one right back. A little larger, coz I'm sure I've got the longer arms with these freakish humerus and femurs of mine :p
LOVE YOU JILLIAN!!!
Sweetie you are so brave to post this, I know it must have been very difficult but I can relate
I don't know if it's the same thing but due to my eating disorder I have zero interest in flirting, having a boyfriend, sex or any human contact really, the thought repulses me
I don't much like physical contact either
So you are not alone
You're never alone
Hang in there
Be kind to yourself
You are a star x
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