ready or not, here I come!

So I'm back. Everything still feels too bright and too loud, but here I am.

It's just so hard to come to term with things I don't understand. It feels like my brain is at war with my body, my heart, itself. And it's become hard not to take the easy way out, to shut everything down and let the numbness back in, or the hunger, or the other usual escape routes. It's like fighting to stay awake when you can barely keep your eyes open, when all you can think about is sweet slumber. But if I lose myself again, I'll be alone when I find my way back. I don't think anyone will give me yet another chance.

The longer I wait to do these things that someone my age should have done, the more difficult it becomes to catch up. Because everyone is already ahead. That scares me. I know you say it's fine, some people are slower, some people have different priorities, but the thing is more and more options truly are becoming unavailable. I would have wanted those things, probably, eventually. I always planned on getting better. I've gotten so much better already, but is it too late?

It's this new kind of loneliness, one that comes with adulthood maybe, where I need someone real and close that I can talk to with ease, or not talk to, really, someone who understands, patiently. Sounds kind of unreal, doesn't it? I think I already want enough impossible things, thank you. I don't need this.

Blogging is kind of silly, isn't it? Just talking about myself, into the void that is the Internet. I wonder how much it really helps. But I don't really want to stop.

I NEED TO STOP WANTING AND NEEDING THINGS NOW OK? OK. DO NOT QUESTION MY LOGIC PLEASE THANK YOU.