don't you just love having classes about mental health? it's like they WANT me to feel misunderstood

release by self-obliteration

Behaviour is more destructive. Craving the exertion of excess and the vacuum of not having enough. Not enough music, too much empty space, not enough movement, too much weakness.

I'm delightfully dizzy

growling menacingly

I'm feeling rather monstrous today.

I'll skip class and work at home instead.

You see, I'm a rather high-functionning monster. You might still want to stay away from me though. I bite.

Things to do today:

- Write protocol for physics experiment on thermoelectric modules
- Complete work-out grid for "extreme" winter camping
- Convince myself that I am myself (this will be difficult, not to mention paradoxal)
- Not eat the Christmas chocolate I just noticed on my bookshelf
- Study for biology exam (cellular membrane. fascinating. YAWN)
- Actually get out and buy a 1L reusable bottle for winter camping
- Withdraw 150$ from the bank for tickets for upcoming concerts

I just know I'm going to eat that chocolate. Unless I stay in bed all day and run past it when I have to get up... Maybe that'll work. How it's even been there for so long is no mystery though (it's partly hidden by my sister's Twilight books! least used books in entire bookshelf).

Let's see if I can get through this nightmare of a day. My arms are all cut up and it stings and now I regret it. Which means I'm pretty healthy, I guess.

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EDIT: 11:30 AM
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I ended up going to school after all, but only for an hour instead of four. Hid in the physics lab and then took measurements of light outside. Didn't talk to anyone; still not convinced of my existence or of my identity.

Found a 1L bottle in my basement: got cash from my stash instead of going to the bank. My list is coming along well.

extract from my thoughts

Once again, there is no one to whom I can talk. Once again, I turn to you! LOADS on my mind.

First of all, my CEGEP hired me as a researcher- which is awesome- and it involves a lot of work. We're researching renewable energy sources, more specifically solar energy. Basically, we want to harness the power of the sun to make electricity- WITHOUT using photovoltaic pannels. They're costly and create a lot of pollution when you produce them. So between this job, my tutoring, my shifts at the bed and breakfast, school and a ton of homework, I'm running all over the place. I have a lot of responsabilities and it's making me nervous!

I'm also worried about University. I don't know what I want to do. I applied in Biomed but now I have a job in Physics and maybe I want to be a doctor I JUST DON'T KNOW. And at 8000$ a year, I can't afford to be wrong. Thank GOD for scholarships.

I've been feeling angry because my life is trivial and incredibly boring: I read books and they make me want to run away and live wild adventures, but I don't have the guts or the skills and I'm not fictional (unfortunately). When my life is dull, I feel stuck and I hate everyone (especially myself). When my life IS exciting, I feel like I don't deserve it and the guilt ruins every precious moment. I AM A LIVING CONTRADICTION. Or just stupid. Either-or.

Finally, I keep thinking about this boy that I should NOT be thinking about. It's driving me crazy. It's wrong and I don't like it. Why him? UGH.

So there's your insight into my brain. It's not very pretty, or interesting in the least. TRIVIAL. Sorry 'bout that.

i'm still alive

And fat, according to my sister (even if she's shorter than I am and weighs more) but I guess we just don't have the same standards, I'm not allowed to have a "healthy weight"

I was upset

I told a friend and his reaction was "Why did she call you fat? Did you have a fight?" Not "How could she call you fat" or "You're not fat" so I'm fat I guess.

And now, now, I wish I weren't quite so alive.