the only solution?

I used to have so many things to say. Without hunger to anchor me down, I'm just dropping endlessly, without a purpose, without a grip. I need to get a grip. I need something real, something that's inside me and can't be faked. Something that depends on me and me only. Something I can control.

It's so obvious now. Textbook. Crystal clear.

I just really don't want to do it.

the vertigo

Can you tell me how to make it go away?

I feels like I'm constantly falling but I'm not so there is no end to this hell.

I am exhausted.

sleep

When I was a child and sleep eluded me, I remember praying to an unseen, unknown force for slumber. Sometimes I was scared of creepy-crawly monsters; sometimes, it was the stomach pains. Often, it was just the vertigo, the fear of fear, so discomforting it's almost painful. I cried and begged and pleaded for magic sleeping dust; I made offerings; I prayed to a christian god I've never believed in, the moon, the stars, my dead dog and cats, the trees, the sky and the creator of the universe. I clenched my body and pressed my eyes shut and prayed so hard that I shook. I would find sleep, eventually, exhausted from a night of true terror.

Sleep was my refuge. Insomnia was my nightmare.

Me, tired

I keep eating chocolate instead of meals. I keep crying myself to sleep. The holidays are not doing me much good.

I ran away from another party. If I don't belong with my friends so I belong anywhere at all? Cried in the driveway, cried in the car.

My father keeps letting his wife hurt me. He used to be the one person who'd never do me harm. I feel betrayed. Cried in bed, in the shower, outside in my meadow.

I don't know where I'm going, who I am or what I'm doing anymore. I don't want to see anyone. I want to sleep for a very long time and maybe read a little. I don't want to eat anymore because it makes me nauseous. I don't want to think this is a good reason to starve, I don't want to even have a reason to starve, but I do.

Please please please just let me sleep in peace

can't be with anyone

Can't fall asleep.
Can't study.
Can't stop the vertigo.

Sometimes my life is more what it isn't than what it is.

I am sinking, sinking, sank, sunk.



Not sure where I'm headed.