Why? Because I have super-blogger friends. Ha.
I'm in an okay mood right now, even if today was
upanddownandupagainleftandrightandallaroundrollercoasterrific...
Wow. That might just be my new favourite word. Anyways, yes, a rather moody day. Which is just fine, because I appreciate the variety. This beats the hell out of zombie-december.
I've been thinking some more about how I've been feeling lately, about eating disorders and insanity and death. Have I reached a conclusion? No. But it's nice to think nonetheless. Makes my day feel slightly more productive in spite of mood swings. And my tired eyes.
Sometimes I try too hard to be beautiful, I mean not just physically, and not in a typical beautiful, but my own perception and opinion of beauty, fresh, fragile but still standing, cold and calculated, collected, severe but intense and explosive and breathtaking... I don't think I can describe it with words. I don't think I am very beautiful; the only thing I appreciate in myself is my intelligence, which isn't amazing but still over-average when it comes to academics and perception and reading people and understanding things. I think intelligence can be beautiful, if it's used right, don't you? It's something about knowing what you're doing and why and thinking about the grand things in the world, and knowing enough to have pertinent thoughts. Beauty is what I strive for: I try to be beautiful, I look for beauty in others and in my surroundings. I want to devote my life to beauty, a kind of spiritual beauty, though I don't like the connotation that word has. I am going to work my hardest, because man can make beautiful things, and effort is beautiful, and complete devotion and exhaustion are too. And I think it will be great, because really, what can stop me from shooting for the stars?
Isn't amazing, knowing that we can create beauty, with some effort or affection towards those we love or words or a smile?
Then why is it that I feel like a stub? Like I'm completely sterile? Like I will never have children or write beautiful things or change something with a smile?
--
I've been refreshing my dashboard for hours. Reading every post the second it appears. I am a little lonely.
I'm in an okay mood right now, even if today was
upanddownandupagainleftandrightandallaroundrollercoasterrific...
Wow. That might just be my new favourite word. Anyways, yes, a rather moody day. Which is just fine, because I appreciate the variety. This beats the hell out of zombie-december.
I've been thinking some more about how I've been feeling lately, about eating disorders and insanity and death. Have I reached a conclusion? No. But it's nice to think nonetheless. Makes my day feel slightly more productive in spite of mood swings. And my tired eyes.
Sometimes I try too hard to be beautiful, I mean not just physically, and not in a typical beautiful, but my own perception and opinion of beauty, fresh, fragile but still standing, cold and calculated, collected, severe but intense and explosive and breathtaking... I don't think I can describe it with words. I don't think I am very beautiful; the only thing I appreciate in myself is my intelligence, which isn't amazing but still over-average when it comes to academics and perception and reading people and understanding things. I think intelligence can be beautiful, if it's used right, don't you? It's something about knowing what you're doing and why and thinking about the grand things in the world, and knowing enough to have pertinent thoughts. Beauty is what I strive for: I try to be beautiful, I look for beauty in others and in my surroundings. I want to devote my life to beauty, a kind of spiritual beauty, though I don't like the connotation that word has. I am going to work my hardest, because man can make beautiful things, and effort is beautiful, and complete devotion and exhaustion are too. And I think it will be great, because really, what can stop me from shooting for the stars?
Isn't amazing, knowing that we can create beauty, with some effort or affection towards those we love or words or a smile?
Then why is it that I feel like a stub? Like I'm completely sterile? Like I will never have children or write beautiful things or change something with a smile?
--
I've been refreshing my dashboard for hours. Reading every post the second it appears. I am a little lonely.
No comments:
Post a Comment