I've just realized how WRONG my master plan is: I'm basically studying to be a doctor, right? (Yes, biology won the great battle of the sciences I love) Sure, I've got the grades, I've got the drive, I've got the desire to work crazy hours...
I also have a blog on which I support women with eating disorders in a most unhealthy way, not to mention my own self-destructive tendencies. TROUVEZ L'ERREUR!
haha they will NEVER let me in to med school. and we all know I cope SO WELL will failure.
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So I've calmed down a little. Thank you for the kind words on my previous posts. If you girls can stay hopeful (or at least have hope in me, if you haven't in yourself, sad as that may be, since you're lovely), and you've gone through SO MUCH MORE than I have, well I guess I'm being ridiculously oversensitive.
I've tried to isolate what is truly wrong with me, not as a diagnostic or anything, just what is abnormal, and see if it's good or bad or neither. I won't write it all here because it's not interesting to you. Basically, here are the reasons I don't currently qualify to be a grown-up:
- I am physically and mentally behind my peers in development;
- I am too concerned with beauty and have a very twisted perception of it;
- I am scared of sex;
- I am both overconfident and self-deprecating;
- I have trouble with my identity, I always feel like I am acting;
- I indulge in self-destructive behavior;
- I am very egocentric (which makes me paranoid because it seems like everything, good or bad, is about me);
- I am a compulsive liar even for the most trivial things (this has improved greatly over the years);
- I am obsessed with what people think of me even if I don't always agree;
- I have trouble distinguishing fiction from reality;
- I get attached too easily;
- And yet I constantly think people I love are judging me or spying on me (again, egocentrism).
I think maybe a lot of those are very common, most of the problem residing in how little restraint I have and the combination of some of these factors. I am not mentally ill: I have nothing to excuse these flaws. Some of them I can work out on my own; some of them I may have to discuss with a professional; and the others I can learn to live with, probably. Wow. How very mature of me. Or not: there a lot of "I"s in this post. In all of them. EGOCENTRISM, people, probably the worst of the aforementionned shortcomings.
I could follow up with a list of my qualities. I think it would probably be longer. But a lot more trivial. Like "I speak French, messieurs-dames" or "I don't even like chocolate that much" or "I haven't intentionally blown anything up yet". YET.
Hmmm. Feeling much better now. Really, I'd say don't bother reading this, but then I'd have to go ALL THE WAY back to the top of the article. So, if you are here, you either somehow like me very much or you have too much free time on your hands, my friend. Go read something constructive. Go build a robot! (My personal objective for the 2012-2013 academic year. Nowhere is safe!)
Shout-out to Peri, my wonderful guardian angel, goddess of crafts and silly hats and Kiwis and awesomeness: thank you for being there. And your words, both here and on your blog. Anyone who is somehow following my blog but not hers (what, are you crazy?!), go. Now. http://glueandpieces.blogspot.ca/ . Make it happen. I'm counting on you, soldier.
3 comments:
Holy Moses, it's like reading someone else's perception of me, how I think they'd see me. You're amazing, and I love you. We are going to make it happen. One way or another.
I uptalk meat products to people that I'd never touch in a billion years and tell people they shouldn't kill themselves when I really want to as well. Sometimes a bit of hypocrite is unavoidable. I like to think that if you got into med school and became a doctor, the amount of good you'd bring to the lives of your patents and their families would outweigh any seemingly negative thing you do here.
Who knows? Maybe your comments helped keep them going long enough to be able to contemplate and actively seek health? You never know.
Yay for calming down. I'm picturing you all Zen-like listening to Tarja :p
Secret: The majority of adults don't qualify to be grown-ups. Be wary!
Work on the things you can yourself, if you need a hand from an outside pro then grab for one. You're awsome, remember that.
Also: It's OK to be scared of sex. Unknowns are scary and having an unknown coupled with being in a position of vulnerability is extra scary. Don't expect the first time to be too wonderful, but it does get better after that. So long as the guy knows what he's up to, of course! When you're ready to face the fear, don't settle for someone who is shit in bed, ok? Just don't EVER let someone else pressure you into it when you're not sure. Peer pressure can go fuck itself.
Haven't blown anything up intentionally. . .yet? You must come visit for Guy Fawkes. Grandpa.S told me the family recipe for gunpowder. We can make glitter bombs and decorate the beach with sparkles.
ASDFJKDFH;KDSJFHSDKJFHSD shoutout? Are you MAD? You must be. Gloriously, wonderfully mad and one of the most amazing people on earth. Thank YOU for being there too. Every time I hear Within Temptation I think of you on the other side of the world and smile.
Arohanui, lovely Jillian.
Darling, i have almost all of those flaws you mentioned, yet you think i'm lovely. Why are you not lovely also? *hugs*
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