In my biostats class. Can't focus. I'm exactly like the parents who make excuses for their misbehaving children say: I'm not being sufficiently stimulated, I need to be challenged. Don't remind me how much this is costing me, please.
I think maybe sometimes having two identities is screwing with my mind. I'm the real life me most of the time but Jillian-Amedea will just not be ignored. I think I like her better too. She's true to herself, which is me... Yeah. Not going there.
***
I used to write so elegantly. Well, more elegantly. I guess that was pretentious. Also, just silly. There is nothing elegant or beautiful about the struggle to destroy yourself/ not destroy yourself/ delete everything/ delete delete. It's rough and raw and disgusting and all too real, like a bowl of cold gruel.
***
I guess I had a freak out about my body. I'm scared. I want definite results so I can stop worrying about what to worry about. Worry worry worry. You ladies worry me, to say the least. This is just so wrong on so many levels. Yep, I'll hold your hand or give you a hug but it doesn't change the fact that we're freefalling: it will not slow us or break our fall. It won't change how we splatter. What's comfort, what's love in the face of inevitable failure to survive or live or whatever it is we're so terrible at?
2 comments:
I love you. Hang in there. It seems we're all going through depression-mode on here...but we can make it through. Besides, some people think that freefalling is fun... at the last second we will find a way to soften the fall, and all will be well again. *hugs*
Some classes can be like that. especially ones with "Stats" in the name. Go hard and remember that if you don't you'll have to sit the bloody thing all over again! D: HORROR!!1!
We are more ourselves here, or at least we're the honest parts of ourselves we can't express often.
There is a kind of beauty in unflinching expression of the raw reality of life. Of course, it always seems like poetic exaggeration to the lucky fuckers on the outer side of the fence.
If you can't work out what to worry about, why not put things in a hat and pull out one to worry about? or give them all up as a waste of energy and find something more worthy of your time? I dunno, I'm talking shit.
Every hug and every kind word is a stitch or a thread in the parachute that slows our fall so we can drift onto a ledge safely instead of crashing into the ground full-force.
Love and comfort and kindness are all that is good in this world. Lack of love is a death sentence. It's not the dying that really counts, it's what we did while we were here.
You have a good point. I'd rather relive a thousand beatings than forget my Inky pusscat or Grandparents. Thank you so much for reminding me of the good things <3 There are days when all the bad rises up and it's hard to see past it.
I hope your flu is going away. Yay another skeptic who wants to send dodgy sub-quantum-energies of happyness XD Regardless of the reality of any such vibes, knowing that someone cares puts a smile on. Sending happy thoughts back your way.
You are a genius. I went into the cat section of yourtube and then the dog-and-baby section. not a hot as RDJ, but still AWWWWW. And then there is Gamechap and Bertie. Tears of laughter this time
http://youtu.be/kndRznZGWqM
Love you so much. Thank you so so much for being so amazing and for being YOU.
*Hugs*
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