Sunday, September 30, 2012
I just cut my face. There's blood. And I can't stop shivering, no, shuddering, and it's because I'm here, it's because I'm still indulging in the madness and immersing myself in other people's madness but it's not like I can leave, the last time I tried to leave someone for my own good he tried to kill himself, and it took so much effort, and it caused so much pain, and I can't bring myself to leave this place or you and I'm sorry and I'm so angry that you're all eating-disordered and I'm not, not really, I'm out of the loop, you should be healthy or I should be sick with you and it's wrong, wrong, wrong that I'm alone. It almost feels like I'm freaking out on purpose, but it can't be for attention since I don't tell anyone anymore, I plaster on the fake smile and layer on the sarcasm now, I learned from the best (you), so it must be because somewhere deep down I do hate myself, even if it doesn't really feel like it, because hating myself seems contradictory, I am my own consciousness and everything is in my consciousness and I can't hate everything because hate can't be bigger than everything, because it's part of everything, it's a thing, you must understand, if you don't, don't bother trying and how do you explain waking up with cuts on your face anyways (aching, itching for more) my madness is the stupidest of madnesses, with no cause or correlation or validity only fear and vertigo and a bunch of other things I'm not sure exist
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3 comments:
You cut your face? By accident or SH? Please not SH, that's not good. ESPECIALLY if you're cutting your face! Too many nerves you're close to and head wounds bleed like fiends. Stop before it sucks you back in, ok? Please?
I'm not really eating-disordered either. I just use food as a way to cope with depression. Self-medicating with something legal and readily available that doesn't (usually) impair my work performance.
No, no no no you should NOT be sick! Just because you don't have a label of "mental illness" doesn't mean you don't have a right to be hurt or angry of frustrated or sad or upset. It DOESN'T. You CANNOT say you don't have a right to hurt because others hurt worse. That is NOT how it works. You can't put people's emotional pain onto a balance and quantifiably say that any one person's pain is "worse" or "better" than another's. Each person hurts, and each person who hurts has the right to say they hurt and to receive help for the injury, visible or not. "Traumatic" or not. PAIN IS PAIN. Sometimes it has no reason and just IS, but that doesn't mean it's less real or valid than the pain of someone who has "real" reasons to be hurt.
We should all get Oscars or Emmys or whatever they are for the acts we put on every day. Seriously.
Oh yes I understand. I understand too well. It slowly creeps in and takes over every iota while you're not looking until one day it's THERE an all-consuming monster that stands over you and seems to be bigger than everything because of it's ability to loom and hurt.
No more cuts, no more cuts on the face. Please?
Sometimes madness just is. sometimes it happens without something you can point to as a reason. That can be worse because if you can't find a reason it can be harder to shake off.
Please take care and be gentle with yourself, ok? Love you so much Jillian <3
P.S. I saw her and re-named her after the song. She looks like a burning coal with ashes on top
http://ponyisland.net/index.php?src=pets&sub=profile&pet=14270465&usr=555950
oh sweetheart i don't even know what to write i want to cuddle you and we can sit in a dark room under fairylights with a pretty film and teddies and pretend the world isn't broken and be okay if only for an hour. its persephone i had to move, find me pretty please i love you lots and lots and lots xxx
Oh, darling, you're wonderful. Don't ever think you're not. I'm not really disordered anymore either. I barely listen to ana at all, and my reason for still being here is all the people i love too. You're not alone. I just want to come to where you are right now and give you the biggest hug you've ever received and the biggest hug i've ever given. I love you bigger than the sky. Please don't be sad anymore, hunny. I love you.
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