SCHOOL!

Sorry for the moment of panic. I was just angry and disappointed. It's nothing I can't handle.

I'm really excited to start Uni next week. Truly, it doesn't matter if I make any friends because I'm there for the classes, which are really interesting. And if I do meet some great people, all the better! They won't know about my past. I think it'd be nice.

The friend I'm going with though, the one who is a perfectionist and obsessed with her appearance and who wants to be skinny but not sick skinny like we do, is going to be a problem. She's kind and loyal and supportive but bad for me, and I'm bad for her. And we're stranded here alone since everyone else left. Just something else I need to watch out for.

I always thought I would leave this town for Uni: I have excellent grades and I love school, I'm independent and desperate to erase my past. I just can't afford it. It would be ridiculous to borrow so much money to move away when I can stay here and go to a school that's giving me a scholarship. Maybe I'll move when I go to Med school. I'll finally get that fresh start.

I really love you girls. I want to meet you and just hug you until all your problems go away. I feel guilty because, in the end, I know I'll be okay: I'm constantly improving without those teenage hormones in my way and, though I probably won't ever be normal, I'll be a bit of a shut-in and I'll have my books and I'll survive because so many simple things make me happy. I'm just lucky, really, really lucky. I need you because I love you and you've done so much for me and I can't bear to be away for too long. But I'm going to survive. It's strange knowing that know, but I guess it's rather nice. I have plans. It won't be easy. But it's possible. And that's all I need.

I don't have much time but yesterday I panicked and I scratched at my arms again. I hadn't self-harmed in a bit. I'm very disappointed in myself. But at least it let me get some sleep... I didn't bother to place the welts strategically. How long can I pull off wearing long sleeves in this weather?

Pretty much all my friends are gone to Montreal for uni so maybe no one will notice.

Maybe if I stopped eating and got really, really skinny the ones I love would stay and comfort me instead of leaving. It took me so long to find you and trust you, please don't go away.

Or if they did leave, after a while I'd be numb and bony and everything would be fine. Except not really at all.

FINALLY

You know it's GREAT, not being an angsty, angry, over-emotional teenager anymore. But my writing used to be better. And it was okay to be crazy as a teenager because every teenager is at least a little bit crazy. Now I have jobs and car payments and credit cards and school that isn't just for fun anymore: I can't spare the time or the energy to let the crazy out. And it's EATING ME INSIDE. And I'm so GODDAMN BORED it makes me cry. I'm too tired to lash out though. At least now I'm being taken seriously: and the number of pills I need to take everyday grows and grows and grows and I'm supposed to stop being tired (but that's what adults do) and I'm supposed to take them all like clockwork because that's the rational thing to do and I'm not supposed to rebel against authority anymore. So I keep my teddies and I wear bright colours and I hug my parents because being old is BORING and people call me immature while other kids my age faceplant doing kegstands. RIGHT. That's BORING too. So in my mind (inside, never out) I indulge in the insanity, and even though it's more controlled I can do so much more damage now that I'm am RESPONSIBLE and SELF-SUFFICIENT and whatnot. The world is CRAZY: why can't I be crazy too?

I found out I have another sister. A half-sister. My father's estranged daughter. She's thought about me, the sister she never had, all of her life and I didn't even know she existed. She stalks me on Facebook and she's pretty much my age and she wants to meet me so she can explain why I should hate my father like she does. Thanks but I'm DISENCHANTED enough as it is, really. Obviously my mother stepped in to protect us because all of a sudden, she's the caring, loving mother I never had, the one who bakes and asks about my day, the one I needed when I was five, not eighteen. I guess it's still better than nothing. Back when my parents were together and I didn't know all the DIRT about my family, I used to wish I had normal parents because mine were so unusual. Now my family is so distorted and branched out that I'm still stuck where I was before, I can't break free because there are SO MANY PEOPLE to fear and protect and by whom to be hurt.

Well, that felt nice. Onto duller, greyer things.

ONE OF THESE DAYS

I will write a post longer than a few sentences. Watch out.

nanananananananananananananananaSUPERHEROMOVIESMAKEEVERYTHINGBETTER

I was up all night looking at pictures of beautiful people. They show "too thin celebs" on the magazine covers and everybody tells me they're revolting and expects me to agree. I don't. I still think 70 pounds at 5 foot 6 is beautiful... More beautiful. I'm stuck.