written in the dead of the night

Dear Nobody/Anybody/Everybody/You/Great Void of the Internet,

How can I be seventeen and full of regrets?

When I'm lonely and hopeless, I wish I hadn't become what I am today. It seems so much easier to be like the other girls, to drink at parties and sometimes be ditzy and meet boys and enjoy being around people

I am stuck in who you conceive me to be, this empty, boring shell of a person. You use my pride to keep me here and now and thus, in a state of blatant imperfection and marginality. I cannot change without giving up any pretense of sanity: you will not allow it. Are you my friend? Is this what you want?

I really do wish I could be a part of people. Rather than an outsider looking in.

I gave away my youth for my future. But I'm scared that I set myself up for nothing but failure: if I hit rock bottom, what will I hold onto?

My only hope lies in the tomorrows and the elsewheres. Please, I don't want to be a screw-up. I want to be happy and I want to be me, improved. Not this sad, inadequate loser.

Really, in the dead of the night, I just want to be anything but me right here right now.

How NOT to self-motivate (if you are even moderately sane)

I need to deserve to be alive. This isn't happening right now. I'm faced with the greatest decisions of my life and all I do is sleep and waste time and watch freaking television even if I've never liked it. Why why WHY

Get a move on you worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being GO

or I'll make you fat and lonely and lazy forever