self-deprecation, or the proper use of synonyms

I am not fat, I am abdominous, paunchy, pot-bellied, blubbery, chubby, embonpoint, plump, buxom, zaftig, zoftig, corpulent, obese, weighty, rotund, double-chinned, jowly, loose-jowled, dumpy, podgy, pudgy, tubby, roly-poly, fattish, fleshy, heavy, overweight, gross, porcine, portly, stout. Adipose, buttery, greasy, oily, sebaceous, oleaginous, suety, superfatted.

I am not worthless, I am chaffy, good-for-nothing, good-for-naught, meritless, no-account, no-count, no-good, sorry, manky, negligible, paltry, trifling, nugatory, otiose, pointless, purposeless, senseless, superfluous, waste, drubbishy, trashy, valueless.

I am not cruel, I am barbarous, brutal, fell, roughshod, savage, vicious.

I am not unhappy, I am lovesick, miserable, suffering, wretched, dejected, discontented, discontent, dysphoric, distressed, infelicitous, joyless, sad, sorrowful, depressing, cheerless, uncheerful.

I am not polite, I am a liar.

I am not realistic, but I am sincere. I am no longer passive, I am static.

Get me out of here.

" I don't care what anybody says about me as long as it isn't true. " - Dorothy Parker