I thought that maybe, if I loved enough, if I listened to enough people, I could be worthwhile.
Was I ever wrong.
How have I not seen this before? How mean and selfish a person I am? How I keep people close and push them away, ever pushing and pulling, always crying because they leave me, when really I am the sadistic manipulative one. When really I am leaving them, I am hurting them. Only because I can. I bite and I snap and I hate, and I wonder why nobody likes me, I pretend I am a martyr, but really all I hate is myself, and I'll do anything to deny I am a failure.
If I killed myself right now, would the people I've sucked into the blackhole that I am be blamed? Even in death, which would be the greatest justice, I hurt those selfless and wreckless enough to care.
I am everything I don't want to be. Especially, I am alive, while other, better people, are dying. Clearly there is something wrong here. And simply being too small for my size zero jeans isn't enough. There is so much more that needs to be done, if I want to be worthy of anything at all.
Don't try to be a hero and save me. Don't. Because I am selfish enough to pull you down with me, I am, I will.
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What would I do without you girls?
1 comment:
That's such a dark, sad post... It makes me worry about you, hunny. But i can also relate. So often, i pull people close to me only to push them away.
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