feeling like a vampire

I so so desperatly need to cut right now... It's ridiculous and useless and reckless and I haven't done it in months but this thought is looping in my head and I can't get anything done. It's like I've convinced myself I won't get skinny or successfully fill in my college applications or do any schoolwork until I cut, until I see blood.

I noticed something else: ever since I've dramatically decreased my calorie intake, my hands, which have always been a little cold, are freezing. My fingernails, on which some white spots have appeared, keep turning blue, then grey. It's a little disturbing. Does this happen to anyone else?

My thoughts are all over the place today. Blood. Cold. Dream.

I had this beautiful dream last night. I dreamt that, during an ice storm, I slipped on a blue satin dress. I was very thin and snow white and my hair was flying in the wind. I walked into the forest barefoot, and my skin started turning blue, my lips were purple, and each breath like a dagger in my lungs. Eventually I lay down by the creek in a bed of snow, and fell asleep in my dream... It felt like I was reading a poem.

Blue. Red. White.

Cupcakes. Water, water!

Have you ever experienced these flashes of beauty and thin? I'll be doing whatever and suddenly I'll catch a glimpse of my wrist or my ankle or my knee and it'll look dreadfully thin. But afterwards, in the blink of an eye, my body returns to its original, flabby state. These moments drive me, they are my thinspiration.

People staring at me, through me. Neon lights. Invisible.