numbers

I am very particular about numbers, which isn't surprising considering how important math is in my life. It seems a lot of people share this same obsession but all have their own preferences and quirks. I, for instance, like round numbers (french expression- sorry), but I don't like zeros (ex: 250 is much better than 300 or 20o) especially if the first number is a 1 (I abhor 1000, 10000, 100000, etc). I like 25 and 75 very much, and I'm okay with 15 and 85 just because they're pretty. I love the number 4 because it's all even and humble, but I hate 44 because you THINK it's going to be even because of the two identical digits but then it has 11 as a factor and I despise 11. My favourite number in the world world is 1 048 576 because it is a power of 4 and I am obsessed with them... When I am nervous I calculate them in my head (which probably makes me look either dumb or completely out of it- zoning out is an essential part of my everyday life), 4, 16, 64, 256, 1024, 4096, 16 384, 65 536, 266 144, 1 048 576 (my mantra)... It's 4 to the power of 10, which is a number I don't like, but it doesn't bother me because it's like the 4 is dominating the 10, and anyways I don't mind zeros too much as long as they aren't at the end of a number or forming the majority of the digits.

This makes me think of other strange habits I have. I cannot start a song anywhere else than at the beginning: I don't mind interrupting a song, but I can't restart where I let off, I must start over. For this reason changing stations or turning on the radio makes me nervous, and I really dislike people who flip through the stations and hearing little excerpts that are so strange and frightening when they aren't part of the whole! I am TERRIFIED of loud sounds: if for some reason my iPod is on full blast and I put my earphones in and hit play I will probably scream, hit people, and have the shakes for a few minutes/hours/days. People with loud voices scare me. Did I mention my sister is a drummer? Oh the terror...

I hate having chapped lips which is why I'm addicted to lip balm. Forgetting my lip balm makes me moody and jumpy and very unpleasant. I am scared of social interactions with strangers: cashiers make me very nervous and shy and clumsy (but I am more scared of the automated cashes at the grocery stores- everytime without fail the machine will assume I'm stealing something and start bleeping away and everyone is looking at me and it's just scary). I don't like people looking at me when I'm driving. I cannot stand to be in a crowd unless everyone is looking in the same direction and doing roughly the same thing. Also I don't like loud breathing. And I find bodily functions repulsive in the extreme. And wow this post has developped into some kind of boring, pointless rant... Sigh.

Initially I planned to tell you I've found a few creative outlets to let out my frustration which was causing my writer's block. In other words, I'm back. (Pretend this is good thing. yaaaaay Jillian's back. wow I need to get out more...) I've been knitting and making random costumes for my sibblings and writing some random poetry-ish stuff (mostly words thrown together haphazardly) and I feel a little better. Tomorrow I'm going to a museum and it will be great!

Eating has been... Well just the same. I haven't gained or lost a pound. I've been 105 for a while now because of my "normal" eating habits... I may have to kick it up a notch. Or not. Gaah. I don,t even know what I want anymore, except maybe running on emptiness until I collapse. Maybe it's the only reason I don't want to eat right now. Or maybe I'm trying to convince myself I'm healthy again. Or maybe I'm just kind of insane.