This was just a week of the semblance of a social life I had carefully, precariously built crumbling. People were hurt and I've gotten further confirmation of how freakish I really am. How alone I will be.

Yes. This has been the week of everything falling to nothing.

Une petite parenthese

Experiencing major computer problems. I have been reading your blogs though. And I survived Christmas, but I've been very sick and I haven't been able to prepare for school on Monday. Got two of my five final grades, two A+, hurray! More on everything soon, much love.

all this time and nothing to do

Right now I'm plagued with thoughts of driving sharp objects through my skull. Just out of curiosity. I'm sure it would be very painful and that I would regret it. But it makes everything a bit surreal. And my appetite is just gone and exams are over so I don't really know what to do with myself.

I'm really unwell. Maybe I'm sick. It's too hot in here and everything is just nausea and vertigo and tired eyes. Sleeping doesn't help. If I read I'll only feel more withdrawn. But I'm not unhappy. I'm rarely unhappy these days. This morning I made a snowman and usually it feels good to get out, there was so much snow and it was the stickiest snow, perfect for building snowmen and forts but I was all alone and I just couldn't do more than make that one snowman. I wish I hadn't left him alone.

sososorry very busy and creatively dead. also social interaction is just not happening right now. even this kind. miss you all.

I can't do anything. Commenting is painful. I'm sorry. Seems everyone is like this right now.

i'm just this knot of insecurities right now

i'm just this knot of insecurities right now

i'll never get into med school because i'm not smart enough or nice enough or amazing enough and i'm not sane, i'm dangerous, and i think my friend asked me out and i have no idea how i feel about it, and my body is horrible right now, and my writing is bad and my friends are distant and it's probably my fault and i'm lazy because i spend too much time sleeping and i dont read enough anymore so im becoming dull and uninteresting and everything i don't like and i wrote a list of my life goals yesterday and now it's overwhelming me because i won't go to med school or learn Russian or finish my robot or climb a volcano or see Hey Rosetta in St-John's or weigh less than 100 pounds ever again ever

maybe it's better this way because if i ever did succeed somehow than i'll be surprised and overjoyed instead of just being disappointed that i didn't achieve anything else

what will i amount to? i'm just like everyone else, if not more inhibited and lost and conflicted and i mean im trying to do things, to make something great out of this body and this mind but i'm always afraid i'll let everyone down

that's better. maybe tomorrow i'll feel like i'm brilliant and much better than everyone else and i wish i'd just make up my mind and figure out who i am at least a little.

at least i must have done SOMETHING right because here you are and i'm so lucky to have you all

SPACE

I'm having one of those weeks when I'm not sure if I really exist. Less painful than being all too aware of my existence (hypothetical existence?) but I always make the worst decisions when I think everything isn't real. Is anyone even reading this? Are you real? Boy is the Internet NOT a place to go for help with this. And this blog. Always blurring the lines between the outside me and the inside me, who is who and how I act with who and what I want and what I want to want.

I have loads to say for a thing that may or may not be, don't I. I'll stop now. This is making me dizzy. Whether you are figments of my imagination or that of whoever is pulling the strings, much love. And good night.

This is rubbish.