this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep

I feel like everyone is watching me. The light is attaching to my faults. It is a cruel, unforgiving light. I'm in a cold place right now. I am stuck between two lines of action: in inaction. There is a low whistling in my ears and it's making my head too heavy for my neck. This is silence in disguise.

I may have hair the color of the sun but I don't feel radiant at all. I need some time to retreat into my head. I can't express how I feel anymore, more and more I find it impossible to find the words. I'm becoming illitterate. Once again I feel like a stub. No creativity. No energy.

I don't have the time. I'm too busy being a whole bunch of things I don't want to be when there are so many other things I do want to be.

Winter is dragging on and I'm cold.

at least I have ms. apple and mr. poe

I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling repulsive. Everyday the incidents accumulate and I felt more inadequate.

Mostly I am alone. I wish someone would reach out, unexpectedly, just because they enjoy my company or admire me or love me. If this person exists. Oh the pains of appearing self-sufficient.

winter sloth, angry spring, summer frenzy, lonely fall

Panic today at school during my martial arts class: "we're calculating fat percentages and BMIs", the teacher said, "and don't you try to escape the scale!" Everyone had to do it. I was so scared. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what my BMI is (16.7) and how much I weigh (105.5 pounds). But I couldn't do it right there in front of EVERYONE. No one is allowed to see how much I weigh on a scale, no one except for me, and I felt everyones' eyes upon me though I'm sure no one cared and my hand started to shake and I curled up in a ball and tears were trickling down my face and I realized just how far deep I am in this nightmare. I couldn't let anyone know just how much blubber and how many lies and and how many vile, vile things are wrapped around my bones. Because when people know it becomes real and I can't face that reality not yet not now.

Please please please just let me disappear. I am a waste of food and paper and oxygen. I want to be so small, so insignificant that I won't even be human anymore, I will be much more. I want to shrink on the outside so I can grow on the inside, be rid of these fears and this pain and the panic, oh the panic is coming back even if spring is the season of violence and explosions and summer is the season of mania and panic and frenzy this ISN'T the right season and they're all melting together now (fall is solitude and insecurity, winter is sloth and depression) and I don't think I can't take ALL of that at once, it's too much, it's too big, it's too heavy just like a body.

Bring on the mania. Bring on the explosions. Bring on the violence. Bring on the insanity. Being angry all the time is the only way I can cope with this. Do you understand? Please understand.

I just want thin I just want beauty. I'll never be ANYTHING if I'm not thin first.

artificial intelligence and space-bubbles

I'm at school right now trying to take as little space as possible, trying to be invisible, but it seems like everywhere I go there's someone I know; there is no escaping the past years, I am tied down to my past and I am not free. I really would like to go somewhere where no one knows me... And maybe not get to know anyone. Or find someone more like me, more like you.

Earlier this afternoon I was at a conference on articifial intelligence and cognitive network. The human mind is truly amazing, and the possibilities of applications of our brain's cognitive processes to technology are endless. The more I learn about computer science the more it is interesting to me: it really is more than just coding. And even that looks crazy (have you seen The Social Network?). I don't want to work in that domain... but I would like take a few classes in computer sciences later on. College is killing me: everything is so slow, the classes, the students... I feel like I'm wasting my time. The tenor of the classes is relevant and valuable but it is transmitted to the students too slowly. I could obtain this diploma in half the time if they only let me. It's ridiculous.

University will be that opportunity I'm searching for: new city, new school, new people. I'll study physics and math and computer science and litterature and languages and maybe robotics and it will be great. Almost no one will know me... Or think they know me. Because really that's most of it. People here right now think they know me. Which is what is so annoying. Maybe we all go through life thinking we know a lot of people but really we are all strangers. It is so easy to generalize and categorize and make the wrong judgements.

I'm starting to feel invisible again, which is great. I'm receding into my own little space-bubble and my heart will slow its crazy beating. My space-bubble is warm and quiet and silky. I will forget where I am, what time it is and who I am with and I will think about cognitive networks and university and beautiful people.

Blogger has become my safe place. Reading your words makes me feel alive and important and even loved. I hope my words bring you some comfort too.

---

I went for a run this evening and it felt GREAT. I'm so glad I'm done with this stupid cold. I'm also planning to kick ass at my 10K in March. If I don't decide to run the half-marathon. I only did run two miles tonight but I only stopped because of a stupid pain in my calves... Fortunately this is probably due to some martial arts injury and shouldn't be a problem in the future.

Running is like flying. Try it. Not walking, not jogging, running. It's amazing.

(My English is sketchy today. Sorry.)

it's the colors, isn't it?

Tonight the sky was screaming YES. But now it's dark and quiet.

Sex pisses me off. I mean sure, it's great and all, but what annoys me is that some consider it a basic need. I think that is absolutely ridiculous. I think it is ridiculous that couples can break up over sex. That people are rejected and become depressed and even commit suicide because they're pressured and uncomfortable with their sexuality.

So I have an issue with needs. Sue me. You can tell me what to do, but don't you dare tell me what I need. I still think it's ridiculous. And absurd. A despairing, soul-sucking kind of absurd. Like animal cruelty and child abuse and drunk driving. I can deal with what-the-hell-am-I-doing-on-earth absurd, or wow-life-means-nothing-absurd, or even WTF absurd, but not that absurd. It's like.. ripping wings of butterflies. I've done it before. Without thinking. It was like ripping cardboard with lines of thickey fiber. I didn't even kill it afterwards, I just left it there writhing.

I don't have an issue with sleep. Sleep feels safe, even with the nightmares. It's warm and it makes me happy. If I had to be in one place for the rest of my life, it would probably be my bed. Maybe I'm fundamentally lazy, but it's one of my favourite places.

I had a lot of things to say, beautiful things, but they aren't coming out right. I forgot my notepad today so I couldn't write things down or doodle. Such-a-pity-we're-truly-missing-out. Right.

I feel a little insane right now. I read for too long yesterday. Insomnia, by Stephen King. Reading makes me insane, disconnected from the world, looking at things from a completely different perspective and considering things I would never in my normal state of mind. Like cracking my hand open with a hammer to see what happens. Or climbing the highest tree in my backyard as fast as I can, maybe with my eyes closed. Jumping off, maybe, into the snow, or onto a boulder, it doesn't matter. It's an amazing feeling. But you need to be normal sometimes... right? Mostly I just want to scream, and I feel like I'll see colors and shapes tumbling out. When the emotion builds up. And I want to run far away, but not run away, run to something. At times like these even the things I'm scared of are enticing.

But every day it's the same routine, swept into this machine of a life. At least it isn't so boring in my head.

sugar and spice

And tears in the night.